I saw parenting as evolving. I went 100 percent at birth. I devoted myself to my children and was extremely nurturing and protective. But my goal was to adjust constantly so that by the time they left the nest, they’d be independent.
I chose this approach because my parents were very controlling and then when I escaped, I went too far in claiming my freedom (and was inexperienced in life so made some non-prudent decisions.)
I wanted my kids to become independent gradually.
They watched so little TV growing up that my daughter’s partner “complains” that she seldom gets his clever pop culture references from the past.
But I unprotected them as they got older. After watching “Boyhood” with me as a young adult, my son said he had had the least rules of any kid he knew “except for the ones whose parents didn’t give a crap about them.” I trusted my kids to make good decisions as teens.
I think my approach worked. We escaped the teen drama and rebellion and both my kids — in their 30s — are living very good lives now.
It's interesting... I have never really thought in terms of over or under parenting. Instead, I've always been fixated upon breaking cycles of trauma and abuse, and not doing the same harm. My child is 12, and I haven't been able to avoid everything I went through—I'm a disabled single mother with health problems and hoped to avoid poverty. But... I have been able to remember this whole time that I'm not just raising my daughter, I'm nurturing our future relationship when she's grown up. I began with attachment parenting but today, I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I do allow her to make age appropriate mistakes without intervention, and I focus more on natural consequences versus creating punishments for her—I think that's important.
SUCH a great Substack David. My parents are gone. My mom was a controlling parent who "over parented" and my father permitted it. My mother insisted that my sister and I were to be self sufficient adults with careers no matter what and was our biggest cheerleader. My former husband and I were raised that as we were given from our parents, we were to pay it back by doing for our children, and we did. Along the way, we each had pretty satisfying careers and that informed our children that they should too. We lived for them. There was also, on a small level, inherited wealth. We love our children AND we like them. The reverse appears true and that is my greatest achievement. I have seen over time and again, including with a sibling, that parents who lived for themselves raise children who flounder. Just like Willy Loman. Why can't they see it coming, I always wonder. Renewing my Substack subscription today!!!
Therapy outbursts remind me of the scene in Backrooms (the new blockbuster directed by 20-year old Kane Parsons), in which therapist Mary (played by wonderful Renate Reinsve) drops her beatific mask to deliver home truths to manipulative Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor). I wonder whether therapists watching must secretly cheer during that!
My (British) parents were hands off in the working class 1960s/70s way, where children were expected to amuse themselves most of the time. I’ve tried to avoid being over-protective with my own children, but have definitely been more involved.
Enjoyed this thoughtful piece, David. My parents were strict and my mother too controlling but we were also left alone for big stretches to entertain ourselves. On balance, we had stability and predictability, which felt grounding. My husband and I were more hands on, but tried for balance. We didn’t helicopter like some of our peers. We didn’t take our son’s every success or struggle as our own, nor live vicariously through him. My worst moment of hands-off parenting was when I saw him fall from a nasty tackle in a soccer match right in front of me. He was brought to the sideline opposite and I made myself stay in my seat, not to be a hovering, embarrassingly uncool mother. Turns out, he fractured his humerus near the shoulder — a very painful break — and we did go to the urgent care after the game. Oops.
Good topic. I don't think I (like many other people) started out with a chosen parenting style, but it just evolved with the circumstances. My biggest stimulus in some ways was the very different cultures from which Ray and I came and therefore what we brought to the table. I was American professional with the twist of a working mother emotionally heavily involved in her work. Ray's was English working class, running a pub, and having produced two boys, they saw no reason to take much further interest in what they were up to. You learn on the first child, but how much difference it makes whether you are heavily involved with them, the jury is out in my mind.
Both of my young adult kids live in another state, and both were moving apartments on their own for the first time this Spring. My son (23) had the more intense move, himself and two friends, third floor walkup, a few days gap between the move out and move in dates. It was stressful for me not to be there, even though I couldn't be, and the other boys might not have wanted me there anyway, lol.
My husband and I gave advice, sent a few links, suggested Task Rabbit. I paid for them to park the van at a facility, as their idea was to somehow find street parking near their new apartment and just leave the van there, with literally everything they owned vulnerable.
My son had a difficult time finding a van during a busy moving time, and really couldn't handle driving a large van by himself. My family does live in town and luckily my brother was able to help out. It was a white knuckled 12 hours, and the parking and subsequent move in went smoother.
I feel like we under parented because we weren't actually there (I know many parents who have flown in to help their kids move and am not uncomfortable with that) and while I don't think we over parented with all our advice, our son became the project manger for the move because neither of the other roommates were coming up with suggestions. But how do you know all the steps for moving if you haven't done it before? And now they are more prepared for the next move (please God, let them not do this every year!)
I saw parenting as evolving. I went 100 percent at birth. I devoted myself to my children and was extremely nurturing and protective. But my goal was to adjust constantly so that by the time they left the nest, they’d be independent.
I chose this approach because my parents were very controlling and then when I escaped, I went too far in claiming my freedom (and was inexperienced in life so made some non-prudent decisions.)
I wanted my kids to become independent gradually.
They watched so little TV growing up that my daughter’s partner “complains” that she seldom gets his clever pop culture references from the past.
But I unprotected them as they got older. After watching “Boyhood” with me as a young adult, my son said he had had the least rules of any kid he knew “except for the ones whose parents didn’t give a crap about them.” I trusted my kids to make good decisions as teens.
I think my approach worked. We escaped the teen drama and rebellion and both my kids — in their 30s — are living very good lives now.
It's interesting... I have never really thought in terms of over or under parenting. Instead, I've always been fixated upon breaking cycles of trauma and abuse, and not doing the same harm. My child is 12, and I haven't been able to avoid everything I went through—I'm a disabled single mother with health problems and hoped to avoid poverty. But... I have been able to remember this whole time that I'm not just raising my daughter, I'm nurturing our future relationship when she's grown up. I began with attachment parenting but today, I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I do allow her to make age appropriate mistakes without intervention, and I focus more on natural consequences versus creating punishments for her—I think that's important.
David, this one’s a gem.
SUCH a great Substack David. My parents are gone. My mom was a controlling parent who "over parented" and my father permitted it. My mother insisted that my sister and I were to be self sufficient adults with careers no matter what and was our biggest cheerleader. My former husband and I were raised that as we were given from our parents, we were to pay it back by doing for our children, and we did. Along the way, we each had pretty satisfying careers and that informed our children that they should too. We lived for them. There was also, on a small level, inherited wealth. We love our children AND we like them. The reverse appears true and that is my greatest achievement. I have seen over time and again, including with a sibling, that parents who lived for themselves raise children who flounder. Just like Willy Loman. Why can't they see it coming, I always wonder. Renewing my Substack subscription today!!!
Therapy outbursts remind me of the scene in Backrooms (the new blockbuster directed by 20-year old Kane Parsons), in which therapist Mary (played by wonderful Renate Reinsve) drops her beatific mask to deliver home truths to manipulative Clark (Chiwetel Ejiofor). I wonder whether therapists watching must secretly cheer during that!
My (British) parents were hands off in the working class 1960s/70s way, where children were expected to amuse themselves most of the time. I’ve tried to avoid being over-protective with my own children, but have definitely been more involved.
Interesting topic, thanks, David.
Enjoyed this thoughtful piece, David. My parents were strict and my mother too controlling but we were also left alone for big stretches to entertain ourselves. On balance, we had stability and predictability, which felt grounding. My husband and I were more hands on, but tried for balance. We didn’t helicopter like some of our peers. We didn’t take our son’s every success or struggle as our own, nor live vicariously through him. My worst moment of hands-off parenting was when I saw him fall from a nasty tackle in a soccer match right in front of me. He was brought to the sideline opposite and I made myself stay in my seat, not to be a hovering, embarrassingly uncool mother. Turns out, he fractured his humerus near the shoulder — a very painful break — and we did go to the urgent care after the game. Oops.
Good topic. I don't think I (like many other people) started out with a chosen parenting style, but it just evolved with the circumstances. My biggest stimulus in some ways was the very different cultures from which Ray and I came and therefore what we brought to the table. I was American professional with the twist of a working mother emotionally heavily involved in her work. Ray's was English working class, running a pub, and having produced two boys, they saw no reason to take much further interest in what they were up to. You learn on the first child, but how much difference it makes whether you are heavily involved with them, the jury is out in my mind.
Both of my young adult kids live in another state, and both were moving apartments on their own for the first time this Spring. My son (23) had the more intense move, himself and two friends, third floor walkup, a few days gap between the move out and move in dates. It was stressful for me not to be there, even though I couldn't be, and the other boys might not have wanted me there anyway, lol.
My husband and I gave advice, sent a few links, suggested Task Rabbit. I paid for them to park the van at a facility, as their idea was to somehow find street parking near their new apartment and just leave the van there, with literally everything they owned vulnerable.
My son had a difficult time finding a van during a busy moving time, and really couldn't handle driving a large van by himself. My family does live in town and luckily my brother was able to help out. It was a white knuckled 12 hours, and the parking and subsequent move in went smoother.
I feel like we under parented because we weren't actually there (I know many parents who have flown in to help their kids move and am not uncomfortable with that) and while I don't think we over parented with all our advice, our son became the project manger for the move because neither of the other roommates were coming up with suggestions. But how do you know all the steps for moving if you haven't done it before? And now they are more prepared for the next move (please God, let them not do this every year!)