In 2018, when she was 80 years old, my mother Jill Roberts became a devotee of Albert Camus and his philosophy of Absurdism––the idea that life has no meaning and never will.
If my sons engaged in substantive, intellectual debate with me, it wouldn’t matter whether they dismissed my ideas as wrong. It’s the engagement that’s an act of love and generosity. You gave her a chance to unspool the meaning of these new ideas—maybe more than you would’ve if you’d placated and agreed. And my guess is that, as your mother, she also saw the tenderness of what you were protecting. I love reading about her. What an exceptional person.
Thanks Isabel. I loved the debates with her at the time and I certainly miss them. She would've hated to be placated but at times I did correct her facts and we would duel. But never ad hominem.
I loved this, David, and your mother sounds like a fascinating, classy, steely lady. It's amazing the philosophies we discover to prop up our lives - Joan Didion's "we tell ourselves stories in order to live." If we're lucky, we may even end on the one we think is True. I can certainly see an element of bravery in her absurdism - a Nietzsche like Abyss -- or maybe Thomas Merton, who had a very different take on things, "this then is our desert; to live facing despair, but not to consent."
Thank you for this David. It left me in tears. I believe our lives only have the meaning we give it , and are made precious by the love we share with others … and the love and kindness we receive in return. How extraordinary to have a parent who corresponded in that way with you and your siblings. 💕
Beautiful homage to your mother, David, may she Rest In Peace.
This is a slight problem with classifying Camus as an absurdist. He was first and foremost an existentialist. Existentialism emerged post-war in France, with its forebearers Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, with its focus on the futility and meaninglessness of life—a notion rampant through Europe after a brutal and devastating war. “Absurdism” was an offshoot. It primarily came from the theater and almost always consisted of dark humor, hence the phrase later coined “Theater of the Absurd.” Its forebearers were Samuel Beckett and Eugene Ionesco. Whereas existentialism’s primary focus was on the futility of existence, the absurdists took that notion to comedic lengths, as in the two tramps waiting endlessly for a myth to arrive in Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” or Ionesco’s parody of fascism, “Rhinoceros.” Beckett’s play, which is very nearly the same concept as Camus’s “Myth of Sisyphus,” but animated with absurdist comedy. As such, absurdism or “theatre of the absurd” gave existentialism its edge, and for some, a different dimension to the writings of existentialism. Camus’s analogy of Sisyphus had an absurdist twist where it was not originally intended.
Thanks Michael for the comment. I was under the impression that existentialism left room for the creation of individual meaning out of collective nothingness whereas absurdism in the sense Camus has is that meaning is impossible but we still must brave life as best as we can.
how beautiful. I feel (and think) the purpose of life is to feel. to have this excruciating and divine human experience. it was a gift to my heart to spend this late summer morning with your mother. I will keep pushing the boulder up and keep feeling whatever there is to experience in this journey. we don't avoid going to the ocean because we will eventually come home again. we go to experience feeling, living.
there is so much more to say. I think Jill and my grandmother might be playing bridge somewhere together, and bridging divides between time and space. the experience of being ever curious and the willingness to see the best in others is something I used to take for granted. now I know how precious and fragile it is. I believe the meaning of life is to experience and evolve. and so love and authenticity become the central pillars.
Great column. The meaning of life… I go through phases wondering what my purpose is here on earth - and though I truly hope there is a heaven - and it’s where I’ll be reunited with loved ones, I often wonder. My mother is a devout Catholic. At 92 she still attends daily mass. Her faith has gotten her through the loss of her oldest son (at 34 to a plane crash) and her husband (after a long bout with Alzheimer’s - during Covid). She is positive, yet pragmatic. She recently said (during a dinner conversation with another 90+ friend, my husband and I) that “not everyone will succeed in life” - obvious but who says that out loud? She accepts suffering as part of life, is stoic and steady. I only wish I could have a fraction of her temperament. One thing I enjoy about getting older is the wisdom age imparts. We have to be willing to accept it though… Oh, and my other is also a bridge player of many decades and recently took up Mah Johng. I guess one of the secrets to a long life is the desire to keep learning.
I'm perhaps too fixated on this brilliant line (which I've often wondered about my own fiercely tempered mother) to answer the question--"Whether she was born with a fierce temper or whether her temper grew fierce because of her frustrations with her life’s limitations, it’s hard to say." (That hit center target.)
The other line that speaks to some of my own guilt with respect to my deceased mother is this one: "I disputed much of her philosophy, sometimes with the cruel arrogance of a son trying to show his mother how brilliant he could be."
And the other thing that has me a quite connected with today's post is that I just finished rereading "Olive Kitteridge"--which I adored--but is a bit bleak and certainly highlights all the ways so many of us go through life disappointed with our lives...Lots to think about this morning...
One of the brilliant aspects of Elizabeth Strout's writing - and she does it adeptly with Olive Kitteridge - is that she uses a prismatic technique for interrogating characters. Olive is the annoying, selfish, emotionally absent mother, to her son, and to a former student she is the life-saving teacher, wise, insightful, caring. 'And', not 'Or'. One person sees her one way, another sees her another way.
This is life, the capacity of personality in people, to appear different at different times and stages and ages and situations. We are all a work in progress but when the boulders are being shoved on us by monstrous leaders, those at the bottom will be crushed.
One of the meanings I take from life is to not be passive, but to rise up. Rage against the dying of the lights - not just my light but all the light.
Brilliant response, Saige-and I love how Olive K ends in hope…in many ways, Olive’s life doesn’t begin until she’s in her 70s. The final essay in the book is magnificent
Beautiful, David! Thank you for sharing. I, too, wish you were able to talk more with your mother on the topic. But your reflections on her now (and your relationship with her) are certainly meaningful to the rest of us.
and it seems that while Camus may have considered himself an absurdist, others external to his personal experience defined his views as existential. how absurd that we can define others (or anything) with words. maybe the meaning of life is to return to the way of communication before the babble. maybe we used telepathy and didn't have words and definitions confusing and dividing us.
I'm going back two weeks to your essay about quarreling with your wife. I refer you to comic Nate Bargatze. He jokes that sometimes he feels he has a such a great defense to an argument with his wife that he holds on to that defense until they have JUST the right fight so he can bring it out and win the day (Yeah?!? Well I do my own laundry!!!). But he never does. :) When I argued with my former husband I was so positive of my position that I would tell him to go check with three people in his world about our particular argument because I knew his people would side with me. We are divorced, and he remains a wonderful person in my world, but he never complied with my 3 person referee suggestion. :(
May your mother's memory be a blessing. BE WELL ALL.
Hahah that mop-furred dog is something else. With sofa access like this she must know she's royalty
https://youtu.be/p6NgY2n0Wfs?si=5dAuSVzsS-ANEdRZ
If my sons engaged in substantive, intellectual debate with me, it wouldn’t matter whether they dismissed my ideas as wrong. It’s the engagement that’s an act of love and generosity. You gave her a chance to unspool the meaning of these new ideas—maybe more than you would’ve if you’d placated and agreed. And my guess is that, as your mother, she also saw the tenderness of what you were protecting. I love reading about her. What an exceptional person.
Thanks Isabel. I loved the debates with her at the time and I certainly miss them. She would've hated to be placated but at times I did correct her facts and we would duel. But never ad hominem.
I loved this, David, and your mother sounds like a fascinating, classy, steely lady. It's amazing the philosophies we discover to prop up our lives - Joan Didion's "we tell ourselves stories in order to live." If we're lucky, we may even end on the one we think is True. I can certainly see an element of bravery in her absurdism - a Nietzsche like Abyss -- or maybe Thomas Merton, who had a very different take on things, "this then is our desert; to live facing despair, but not to consent."
Thanks Katie. I like that quote very much: face despair but not to consent. That reminds me of Bartleby!
Thank you for this David. It left me in tears. I believe our lives only have the meaning we give it , and are made precious by the love we share with others … and the love and kindness we receive in return. How extraordinary to have a parent who corresponded in that way with you and your siblings. 💕
Thanks Sheri,
We were very lucky to have her when she became a fervent intellectual!
Beautiful homage to your mother, David, may she Rest In Peace.
This is a slight problem with classifying Camus as an absurdist. He was first and foremost an existentialist. Existentialism emerged post-war in France, with its forebearers Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, with its focus on the futility and meaninglessness of life—a notion rampant through Europe after a brutal and devastating war. “Absurdism” was an offshoot. It primarily came from the theater and almost always consisted of dark humor, hence the phrase later coined “Theater of the Absurd.” Its forebearers were Samuel Beckett and Eugene Ionesco. Whereas existentialism’s primary focus was on the futility of existence, the absurdists took that notion to comedic lengths, as in the two tramps waiting endlessly for a myth to arrive in Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” or Ionesco’s parody of fascism, “Rhinoceros.” Beckett’s play, which is very nearly the same concept as Camus’s “Myth of Sisyphus,” but animated with absurdist comedy. As such, absurdism or “theatre of the absurd” gave existentialism its edge, and for some, a different dimension to the writings of existentialism. Camus’s analogy of Sisyphus had an absurdist twist where it was not originally intended.
Thanks Michael for the comment. I was under the impression that existentialism left room for the creation of individual meaning out of collective nothingness whereas absurdism in the sense Camus has is that meaning is impossible but we still must brave life as best as we can.
You may be right. Camus himself did not identify with existentialism. My bad.
I love the space for learning in this respectful conversation between two knowledgeable, intellectual, insightful people.
how beautiful. I feel (and think) the purpose of life is to feel. to have this excruciating and divine human experience. it was a gift to my heart to spend this late summer morning with your mother. I will keep pushing the boulder up and keep feeling whatever there is to experience in this journey. we don't avoid going to the ocean because we will eventually come home again. we go to experience feeling, living.
there is so much more to say. I think Jill and my grandmother might be playing bridge somewhere together, and bridging divides between time and space. the experience of being ever curious and the willingness to see the best in others is something I used to take for granted. now I know how precious and fragile it is. I believe the meaning of life is to experience and evolve. and so love and authenticity become the central pillars.
Thanks Nina!
Great column. The meaning of life… I go through phases wondering what my purpose is here on earth - and though I truly hope there is a heaven - and it’s where I’ll be reunited with loved ones, I often wonder. My mother is a devout Catholic. At 92 she still attends daily mass. Her faith has gotten her through the loss of her oldest son (at 34 to a plane crash) and her husband (after a long bout with Alzheimer’s - during Covid). She is positive, yet pragmatic. She recently said (during a dinner conversation with another 90+ friend, my husband and I) that “not everyone will succeed in life” - obvious but who says that out loud? She accepts suffering as part of life, is stoic and steady. I only wish I could have a fraction of her temperament. One thing I enjoy about getting older is the wisdom age imparts. We have to be willing to accept it though… Oh, and my other is also a bridge player of many decades and recently took up Mah Johng. I guess one of the secrets to a long life is the desire to keep learning.
Thank MM. Your mother sounds like a pistol!
I'm perhaps too fixated on this brilliant line (which I've often wondered about my own fiercely tempered mother) to answer the question--"Whether she was born with a fierce temper or whether her temper grew fierce because of her frustrations with her life’s limitations, it’s hard to say." (That hit center target.)
The other line that speaks to some of my own guilt with respect to my deceased mother is this one: "I disputed much of her philosophy, sometimes with the cruel arrogance of a son trying to show his mother how brilliant he could be."
And the other thing that has me a quite connected with today's post is that I just finished rereading "Olive Kitteridge"--which I adored--but is a bit bleak and certainly highlights all the ways so many of us go through life disappointed with our lives...Lots to think about this morning...
Thanks Diana for your comment and your careful reading. I really appreciate it.
One of the brilliant aspects of Elizabeth Strout's writing - and she does it adeptly with Olive Kitteridge - is that she uses a prismatic technique for interrogating characters. Olive is the annoying, selfish, emotionally absent mother, to her son, and to a former student she is the life-saving teacher, wise, insightful, caring. 'And', not 'Or'. One person sees her one way, another sees her another way.
This is life, the capacity of personality in people, to appear different at different times and stages and ages and situations. We are all a work in progress but when the boulders are being shoved on us by monstrous leaders, those at the bottom will be crushed.
One of the meanings I take from life is to not be passive, but to rise up. Rage against the dying of the lights - not just my light but all the light.
Brilliant response, Saige-and I love how Olive K ends in hope…in many ways, Olive’s life doesn’t begin until she’s in her 70s. The final essay in the book is magnificent
Beautiful, David! Thank you for sharing. I, too, wish you were able to talk more with your mother on the topic. But your reflections on her now (and your relationship with her) are certainly meaningful to the rest of us.
Thanks Etta.
" It is the doing that matters, the now, not the future, not the past." And, a corollary:
We who think we are essential fool only ourselves. However, persist.
Thanks Phillippe.
and it seems that while Camus may have considered himself an absurdist, others external to his personal experience defined his views as existential. how absurd that we can define others (or anything) with words. maybe the meaning of life is to return to the way of communication before the babble. maybe we used telepathy and didn't have words and definitions confusing and dividing us.
Excellent piece..I so wish I could go back and talk to my parents and more importantly just listen
Another great read.
I'm going back two weeks to your essay about quarreling with your wife. I refer you to comic Nate Bargatze. He jokes that sometimes he feels he has a such a great defense to an argument with his wife that he holds on to that defense until they have JUST the right fight so he can bring it out and win the day (Yeah?!? Well I do my own laundry!!!). But he never does. :) When I argued with my former husband I was so positive of my position that I would tell him to go check with three people in his world about our particular argument because I knew his people would side with me. We are divorced, and he remains a wonderful person in my world, but he never complied with my 3 person referee suggestion. :(
May your mother's memory be a blessing. BE WELL ALL.
Thanks Sharon. Maybe you've hit on a new type of job: a marriage argument referee. or a marriage court of appeals.
Here's and cheers to mothers...
It is not absurd to try and help relieve human suffering
I think that was often my reply to my mother about whether life was absurd! I'd use her own good works against her, so to speak. Thanks Jonathan.