I haven’t had a fictional friend since I broke up with Holden Caulfield, but I still believe Anne Frank would have been a wonderful friend—funny, open hearted, curious and searchingly honest. Through the diary, I see the woman she never had the chance to become. There’s a particularly delightful moment, cut from the first edition of the diary, in which Anne inspects her genitals with rapt fascination while sitting on the toilet. Her father didn’t want the world to know this Anne, but my heart goes out to the girl discovering her body.
I didn’t know that Anne Frank story, Rona, but of course it fits her curious mind, and her father’s 19thC view of women. I like her even more, if that’s possible.
You had me. What a great twist and lesson in writing. My saving grace in my younger years was writing poetry. I was even published in the Birmingham HS Scribes. Hehe.
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but I always thought Charlotte Lucas from Pride and Prejudice was an underpriced valuation in the land of fictional characters and I would love nothing more than to sit down with her over some tea. I have always felt that Lizzie Bennet was not a good enough friend -- she judged her rather than considering Charlotte's action from Charlotte's perspective. Charlotte was intelligent, self-aware and pragmatic. She also cared enough about her family to take actions that cause her to not become a burden to them. Apart from Charlotte though, the fictional friend that I turn to most is Anne Elliot from Persuasion. Anne isn't perfect, but she has a good heart, is practical and when she matures, stands by her beliefs. And to offer a third, non-Austen character, would be Jerusha "Judy" Abbott from Webster's Daddy-Long-Legs! I guess there's some commonality across all three!
I agree with your assessment of Charlotte but I've never read the book only seen adaptations. Thus id like to recommend if you can get hold of it,the 1980 BBC adaptation of P+ P done by writer Fay Weldon. Elizabeth Garvie is Lizzie Bennett and John Duttine is Mr Darcy. It's THE BEST VERSION EVER yet it never gets a mention. The particular relevance to your comment is that Fay said exactly the sort of things that you've said about Charlotte Lucas. Fat saw her as a feminist heroine in that she assessed her life opportunities and made a pragmatic decision. Now Fay,like you,saw this as admirable yet many commentators over the last 200 years have derided or despised Charlotte for "selling out"for accepting second best,for not 'holding out for a hero',but we already know Lizzie is going to get the hero! And after all by marrying Mr Collins Charlotte will eventually get the Bennett house + land so will have resources to pay for her old age so not such a bad deal. I think you'd enjoy this TV adaptation,the 1980 one.
David--boy, this one struck a chord. (Not to mention the Janis Ian song which I must have listened to 100000000 times when I was 17.)
In reading your essay, I think the reason why I love Elizabeth Strout's writing so much was made clear--especially the first Olive Kitteridge. Those essays are about loneliness--about lives that don't quite work out the way a younger version of the protagonist thought they might have. But what's interesting about Strout, is that as the characters progress through her books (they appear repeatedly)--they find peace. Or....rather...they make peace with themselves--and their loneliness and regret. And from that peacemaking--"second chances" are made possible.
Wonderful essay. Thank you. The timing is particularly good given it's another one of those "solo holidays." D
Lovely post! It has got me thinking about the similarities and differences between loneliness and disappointment. There's a definite difference between being disappointed in how one's life has turned out - the sorrow of unmet expectations that almost invariably occurs to some degree with age - and the feeling of loneliness. I think disappointment exacerbates loneliness and for many people being alone at a certain age is one disappointment. The funeral home scene is so stunning for positing the ultimate paradox that death reveals both the radical aloneness of every single person but also the one true connection that we all have.
Thanks Allison for the comment. In that scene Tommy is the only one sobbing and the other mourners are trying to guess what his relationship is to the dead man. And as you say it's nothing and everything.
I've never been a huge Bellow fan, but I think Seize the Day was his best book. People loved Augie March, but it always felt to me like champion stone skimming--terrific on the surface but no real depth. Of course, i read the Seize the Day when I was working for the commodities trader, so it likely had a bigger impact, as I suspect it did for you as well. Bellow had a great cure for loneliness--keep having kids. Saddest thing for him was that at the end of his career he was dealing with a bunch of thirteen year-old editors who refused to put his last books out in hardcover.
Easy- Gus McCrae from Lonesome Dove, especially if one leans towards taciturn as did Woodrow Call (and me). Lucky for me, DW has a lot of Gus in her. Great essay; one of my favorite settings is preadolescent (think Antoine Dionel in 400 Blows)- for many it's a lonely stage when hormones haven't kicked in, and you're becoming more aware of how complicated people and the world are.
Loved this, David. I did not know you were writing about a fictional character until the end and thought how lucky Tommy was to have you as his friend.
This essay makes me feel so grateful for all the friendship and love I've received though never having married. The supreme irony of Tommy is that the two women in his life can't give him a break. If first wife ever really loved him why won't she let him go. And if girlfriend really loves him, why does she require divorce from first wife and remarriage to her? Love marriages are fret with peril when either partner overvalues themself at the expense of the other. Too much ego and supreme lack of caring and compassion. Which is why younger people decide not to incur that risk. Not to say it is currently making life a living hell for too many all over the world. Lack of caring and compassion the cruel mantra of many of the most prominent politicians also followed by all the famous, obscure and ordinary haters that abound these days. Haters are the ones who cannot abide others and wants to be disappeared. Haters them overvalue themselves, can't have or are envious of what others have or are individually so paranoid and fearful of not getting their stash whatever that may be. It is an unfortunate part of human nature that haters have to make everyone miserable and impoverished while continually representing themselves as being among the most benevolent on the planet, despite all the anger and resentment their attitude engenders. Some may feel there are still many caring and compassionate people left but the higher numbers of these people we used to have in better times continues to decline precipitously.
Great piece, Brother. I never cottoned to Bellow as much as you, but Seize is my favorite of his books (and I also think of it as ur-Phillip Roth, and the springboard for Roth's obsession with Waspy Jews - eg The Swede in American Pastoral). Thanks also for "At 17". It sends me to another song with a teenage number, also from 1971 (?), also aching with youth, if not loneliness - Big Star's "13".
I remember being that age - 13, though maybe I was 12 - and at home one evening after a bully called me "ugly" - and what hurt was not that he said it as an insult, but as an objective matter of fact, something that was immutable and that I'd have to deal with. As if he had noted, "Youre left-handed." I sat in my bathtub (I regressed to a bath rather than a shower that day, instinctually), feeling friendless and, yes, ugly, and I remember sitting in the cooling water wishing over and over - "I just want to be normal" - and by "normal", my interior wish master really meant "average looking." Despite my bucktoothed, 4-eyed, fat cheeked, gummymouthed bookish mess of a pubescent self, I did have friends (and of courde my brothers - decades pre substack fame!) but I was also often very, very alone, and often lonely. My best friend back then in books? Frodo Baggins! Never had a fictional friend like Frodo, when I was 12. As Stephen King would say: Jesus, does anyone?
Thanks brother. I will check out "13." Tommy's father is a "WASPY jew.. Tamkin is a terrific character! Frodo's a great choice for a companion. Especially for someone who's named Sam and is wise.
David, you gave it away in your opening sentence: “My wife was away skiing this week.” If you were the actual narrator, you would have used your skills as a writer to personalize it, as in “Debbie was in Park City this week. She was bent on skiing, but as the severe drought had forced a reliance on snowmaking machines, she watched the Olympics instead. Or tried to. She couldn’t stop thinking about how empty the reservoirs were, of a winter with almost no precipitation.”
I have to think hard about a literary friend. It might be Tookie, the prickly ex-con in Louise Erdrich’s “The Sentence.” I just love her to pieces. Most of the novel takes place in Minneapolis after the murder of George Floyd. There’s an abrupt transition that weakens the book, and Tookie is underdeveloped as a character. She appears in Erdrich’s earlier works. Like Olive Kitteredge, not easy to like, but with an enormous heart.
Thanks for this lovely meditation on friendship. The story may have been written by Bellows, but you brought a deep sensitivity to it.
Great essay. I also wrote about that last paragraph in The Dead in a recent substack! Funny how that works.
That Medium Rare sounds great, I look forward to reading it.
That paragraph lives in my head!
I haven’t had a fictional friend since I broke up with Holden Caulfield, but I still believe Anne Frank would have been a wonderful friend—funny, open hearted, curious and searchingly honest. Through the diary, I see the woman she never had the chance to become. There’s a particularly delightful moment, cut from the first edition of the diary, in which Anne inspects her genitals with rapt fascination while sitting on the toilet. Her father didn’t want the world to know this Anne, but my heart goes out to the girl discovering her body.
I didn’t know that Anne Frank story, Rona, but of course it fits her curious mind, and her father’s 19thC view of women. I like her even more, if that’s possible.
Rona, that's such a tender thought.
You had me. What a great twist and lesson in writing. My saving grace in my younger years was writing poetry. I was even published in the Birmingham HS Scribes. Hehe.
Thanks Carissa.
This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but I always thought Charlotte Lucas from Pride and Prejudice was an underpriced valuation in the land of fictional characters and I would love nothing more than to sit down with her over some tea. I have always felt that Lizzie Bennet was not a good enough friend -- she judged her rather than considering Charlotte's action from Charlotte's perspective. Charlotte was intelligent, self-aware and pragmatic. She also cared enough about her family to take actions that cause her to not become a burden to them. Apart from Charlotte though, the fictional friend that I turn to most is Anne Elliot from Persuasion. Anne isn't perfect, but she has a good heart, is practical and when she matures, stands by her beliefs. And to offer a third, non-Austen character, would be Jerusha "Judy" Abbott from Webster's Daddy-Long-Legs! I guess there's some commonality across all three!
Charlotte is has unsung main-character energy!
Thanks Elaine for the comment. I suppose Emma is way too manipulative to qualify as a friend.
Emma Woodhouse has a good heart so no consternations there! But she would probably feel an itch to manage me and better my flaws!
I agree, Elaine. Even after her marriage, she’d still be looking o improve everyone.
I agree with your assessment of Charlotte but I've never read the book only seen adaptations. Thus id like to recommend if you can get hold of it,the 1980 BBC adaptation of P+ P done by writer Fay Weldon. Elizabeth Garvie is Lizzie Bennett and John Duttine is Mr Darcy. It's THE BEST VERSION EVER yet it never gets a mention. The particular relevance to your comment is that Fay said exactly the sort of things that you've said about Charlotte Lucas. Fat saw her as a feminist heroine in that she assessed her life opportunities and made a pragmatic decision. Now Fay,like you,saw this as admirable yet many commentators over the last 200 years have derided or despised Charlotte for "selling out"for accepting second best,for not 'holding out for a hero',but we already know Lizzie is going to get the hero! And after all by marrying Mr Collins Charlotte will eventually get the Bennett house + land so will have resources to pay for her old age so not such a bad deal. I think you'd enjoy this TV adaptation,the 1980 one.
Thanks, Jane. I'll be sure to check it out. We are getting a new adaptation this year, so there'll be lots of points for comparison.
David--boy, this one struck a chord. (Not to mention the Janis Ian song which I must have listened to 100000000 times when I was 17.)
In reading your essay, I think the reason why I love Elizabeth Strout's writing so much was made clear--especially the first Olive Kitteridge. Those essays are about loneliness--about lives that don't quite work out the way a younger version of the protagonist thought they might have. But what's interesting about Strout, is that as the characters progress through her books (they appear repeatedly)--they find peace. Or....rather...they make peace with themselves--and their loneliness and regret. And from that peacemaking--"second chances" are made possible.
Wonderful essay. Thank you. The timing is particularly good given it's another one of those "solo holidays." D
Thanks Diana. Strout is great!
She is!
You're a really fine storyteller, David, and this post is yet more evidence for it.
Thanks Mike.
Lovely post! It has got me thinking about the similarities and differences between loneliness and disappointment. There's a definite difference between being disappointed in how one's life has turned out - the sorrow of unmet expectations that almost invariably occurs to some degree with age - and the feeling of loneliness. I think disappointment exacerbates loneliness and for many people being alone at a certain age is one disappointment. The funeral home scene is so stunning for positing the ultimate paradox that death reveals both the radical aloneness of every single person but also the one true connection that we all have.
Thanks Allison for the comment. In that scene Tommy is the only one sobbing and the other mourners are trying to guess what his relationship is to the dead man. And as you say it's nothing and everything.
I've never been a huge Bellow fan, but I think Seize the Day was his best book. People loved Augie March, but it always felt to me like champion stone skimming--terrific on the surface but no real depth. Of course, i read the Seize the Day when I was working for the commodities trader, so it likely had a bigger impact, as I suspect it did for you as well. Bellow had a great cure for loneliness--keep having kids. Saddest thing for him was that at the end of his career he was dealing with a bunch of thirteen year-old editors who refused to put his last books out in hardcover.
I think Dr. Tamkin is one of the best con men in all literature. He would have fit in with the cast of Glengarry Glenn Ross.
He might have...every author has read other authors.
Easy- Gus McCrae from Lonesome Dove, especially if one leans towards taciturn as did Woodrow Call (and me). Lucky for me, DW has a lot of Gus in her. Great essay; one of my favorite settings is preadolescent (think Antoine Dionel in 400 Blows)- for many it's a lonely stage when hormones haven't kicked in, and you're becoming more aware of how complicated people and the world are.
Thanks Salvador.
Loved this, David. I did not know you were writing about a fictional character until the end and thought how lucky Tommy was to have you as his friend.
Thanks Petra and I appreciate the sharing you did. I was a bit mischievous in the way I wrote it!
This essay makes me feel so grateful for all the friendship and love I've received though never having married. The supreme irony of Tommy is that the two women in his life can't give him a break. If first wife ever really loved him why won't she let him go. And if girlfriend really loves him, why does she require divorce from first wife and remarriage to her? Love marriages are fret with peril when either partner overvalues themself at the expense of the other. Too much ego and supreme lack of caring and compassion. Which is why younger people decide not to incur that risk. Not to say it is currently making life a living hell for too many all over the world. Lack of caring and compassion the cruel mantra of many of the most prominent politicians also followed by all the famous, obscure and ordinary haters that abound these days. Haters are the ones who cannot abide others and wants to be disappeared. Haters them overvalue themselves, can't have or are envious of what others have or are individually so paranoid and fearful of not getting their stash whatever that may be. It is an unfortunate part of human nature that haters have to make everyone miserable and impoverished while continually representing themselves as being among the most benevolent on the planet, despite all the anger and resentment their attitude engenders. Some may feel there are still many caring and compassionate people left but the higher numbers of these people we used to have in better times continues to decline precipitously.
Thanks Larry for the comment. Here's to more kindness and compassion.
This is great.
High praise from you, Anna.
😊
Great piece, Brother. I never cottoned to Bellow as much as you, but Seize is my favorite of his books (and I also think of it as ur-Phillip Roth, and the springboard for Roth's obsession with Waspy Jews - eg The Swede in American Pastoral). Thanks also for "At 17". It sends me to another song with a teenage number, also from 1971 (?), also aching with youth, if not loneliness - Big Star's "13".
I remember being that age - 13, though maybe I was 12 - and at home one evening after a bully called me "ugly" - and what hurt was not that he said it as an insult, but as an objective matter of fact, something that was immutable and that I'd have to deal with. As if he had noted, "Youre left-handed." I sat in my bathtub (I regressed to a bath rather than a shower that day, instinctually), feeling friendless and, yes, ugly, and I remember sitting in the cooling water wishing over and over - "I just want to be normal" - and by "normal", my interior wish master really meant "average looking." Despite my bucktoothed, 4-eyed, fat cheeked, gummymouthed bookish mess of a pubescent self, I did have friends (and of courde my brothers - decades pre substack fame!) but I was also often very, very alone, and often lonely. My best friend back then in books? Frodo Baggins! Never had a fictional friend like Frodo, when I was 12. As Stephen King would say: Jesus, does anyone?
Thanks brother. I will check out "13." Tommy's father is a "WASPY jew.. Tamkin is a terrific character! Frodo's a great choice for a companion. Especially for someone who's named Sam and is wise.
David, you gave it away in your opening sentence: “My wife was away skiing this week.” If you were the actual narrator, you would have used your skills as a writer to personalize it, as in “Debbie was in Park City this week. She was bent on skiing, but as the severe drought had forced a reliance on snowmaking machines, she watched the Olympics instead. Or tried to. She couldn’t stop thinking about how empty the reservoirs were, of a winter with almost no precipitation.”
I have to think hard about a literary friend. It might be Tookie, the prickly ex-con in Louise Erdrich’s “The Sentence.” I just love her to pieces. Most of the novel takes place in Minneapolis after the murder of George Floyd. There’s an abrupt transition that weakens the book, and Tookie is underdeveloped as a character. She appears in Erdrich’s earlier works. Like Olive Kitteredge, not easy to like, but with an enormous heart.
Thanks for this lovely meditation on friendship. The story may have been written by Bellows, but you brought a deep sensitivity to it.
Thanks Mary. Debbie lucked out and there was enough snow in Colorado.
So glad to hear it. Now I’ll just go stick my head in a bucket of the stuff.
You're welcome. Also want to wish Tommy catches a break, some way, somehow!
David, you and Jeffrey Streeter are on the same page today with your allusion to Joyce's "The Dead"-- the closing story of _Dubliners_.
I recall Mother Teresa saying that the greatest pain she ever witnessed was, indeed, loneliness. Terrific and humane essay, David.
Thanks Mary. I have yet to find a better closing paragraph than The Dead, And I have to catch up with Jeffrey's. .