116 Comments
User's avatar
Philippe du Col's avatar

Very well done.

Expand full comment
Sam Kahn's avatar

Great piece David. Really interesting, thoughtful reflection.

Expand full comment
Isabel Cowles Murphy's avatar

David I love reading these details of your path. It’s a story I deeply enjoy—maybe because it has such a happy, steady, ongoing “ending”. I wonder—how do you Ganky? Ie how do you an Debbie make your kids and grandkids aware that the gifts they’ve received are to be handled with humility and care? Or does that happen naturally when you raise a conscientious person? Asking for a friend.

Expand full comment
LRB's avatar
5dEdited

Just make sure your eldest and only daughter is innately emotionally mature! Duh!

Expand full comment
Isabel Cowles Murphy's avatar

How many times can a person expect to win the lottery???

Expand full comment
LRB's avatar

It’s also really good when said daughter makes silly comments on posts about wealth!

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Actually, we were very fortunate to have Lauren as the eldest to set the tone.

Expand full comment
Heartworker's avatar

"Socialists","Communists", "Collectivists" are like King Lears, without having to face the consequences or being forced to. They shout "Free Palestine," yet they don't have to bear the consequences of life in 57 totalitarian Islamic states; they couldn't care less about it. When there's no more money because they've given it all to the "needy," they simply invent new taxes until no one earns any money anymore and everyone is completely dependent on "the state".

And yet, an "idea" like "socialism," which has failed fatally and mortally hundreds of times over with hundreds of millions of victims, remains as "popular" as ever. Pointing the finger at "the rich" replaces sustainable, well-thought-out economic action, and when things go wrong, they are never responsible; it's always "someone else's fault," scapegoats are always quickly found.

"Leftists" never see their inability to act in an economically forward-looking, preservative, and constructive way, rather than destructively, as a weakness or an inability to cooperate with and learn from those who can. Instead, they seriously see a "morality" in their destructiveness, arrogance, and know-it-all attitude...!! No conscience, no humility.

And yet they get "elected".

After hundreds of millions were massacred and perished in Gulags in "communist countries" under the guise of "shameful individualism," a "newly elected" mayor with a father who, among other things, reveres the mass murderer Idi Amin and wants to blame the "West" for the millennia-old, self-created ("indigenous") slave-master mentality of the "Arab world" is allowed to continue spouting his cheap, mendacious platitudes about "individualism"/ "collectivism" without being massacred or driven out of the country. The main thing is that he makes cheap and implausible "promises."

That's my two cents.

Expand full comment
jon.h's avatar

@Heartworker, keep working on that heart

Expand full comment
Jenyce Jiggetts's avatar

LOL

Expand full comment
A. Jay Adler's avatar

Ganky got elected Mayor?

Expand full comment
Heartworker's avatar

Don‘ t make jokes, face reality and leave NYC before it“ s too late. Mamdami is a PIG. https://open.substack.com/pub/maccabeenation/p/mamdanis-first-strike?r=3btao9&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=overlay

Expand full comment
Barri Grant's avatar

I think the generosity of spirit you share and the consciousness you exude is what sets you apart from many. Thank you for sharing this. Loved learning about Ganky. And about your Mom and her passion over breakfast. More on her, please.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Barri.

Expand full comment
Bonnie Sewell's avatar

I appreciate your perspective. It can be a very emotional subject. This may be a bit random but I've been wondering about spending by the wealthy as a lagging indicator for the economy. At some point even the wealthy will start to pull back in a pull back. But, is it possible that we're going longer into a wealthy spending pattern because a fair amount of the generational wealth transfer is taking place in real time (vs. death of the boomers) and that is where it appears "all is well" on the consumer economy?

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

That's an interesting thought Bonnie. I do think that trend would be overwhelmed by a negative wealth effect if there was a big downturn in the stock market.

Expand full comment
Bonnie Sewell's avatar

I agree. Should that happen, it would be interesting to see if it is in fact an early wealth transfer, if it slows to a drip. Anecdotally (in my golf/lifestyle community) there seems to be a great deal of transferring while boomers are alive. That trend seems quite positive for both parties, but I still think it may be inflating the syrup supporting the spending reports.

Expand full comment
Good Humor by CK Steefel's avatar

Great point. I wonder how the country spent this past Xmas. Did retail do well?

Expand full comment
Bruce L. Nelson's avatar

It seems to me that the gift of inheritance should come with instructions that the benefactors grow wealth. Only then, will they understand and appreciate the discipline and responsibility of wealth.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Growing wealth is not that easy to do. A lot depends on luck and timing.

Expand full comment
Etta Madden's avatar

Thank you! Sharing with my husband and with our older adult son (now 32). They both need to read your insights and see the links you shared.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Etta.

Expand full comment
Michael Maiello's avatar

My initial reaction to questions about helping your children, adult or otherwise, is that if you refuse, nobody else is going to step up to help them. You would be leaving them on their own in a world where hard work and good intentions are often not rewarded.

I guess there are two broad issues here. The first is of character and the worry that making life too easy will lead to a lack of industry, to high expectations and shiftlessness, to being "spoiled." But, as you say, your children are adults at this point. You have a good idea of who they are by now. In any event, research shows that economic insecurity and struggle are the real drivers of poor physical and psychological health. And your story shows that having some money in the first place makes it possible to take a riskier job with a small employer and to invest alongside the owners. Capitalism does work better if you have some place to start. Even today's tech titans, who like to tell an "up from nothing" story were all well off to start. Gates, Zuckerberg, Musk, Bezos -- they all had wealth before they started or got into their businesses. As you know from your career, capital compounds. That's why permanent impairments are so damaging.

Then there's the issue of fairness and equality. I have lived in NYC since 1999 and know a lot of people who have had a much easier time because their families are more like yours than mine. It's frustrating, for sure. It can be politically motivating, too. It certainly doesn't seem fair to those of us whose parents couldn't help. At least I knew mine didn't have it so I didn't ask. I wonder how I'd feel if they did have it but had decided, for whatever reason, not to offer. I'm straying back into the psychological but the other point is that your refusal to offer support to your children would not really have an effect on wealth inequality. Your family would still be rich, after all, your children would just struggle unnecessarily.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Michael, thanks for the detailed comment. To your last point, I suppose a wealthy person could prioritize their giving to others rather than their family but that would be unnatural. Another character from Bleak House symbolized that priority––Mrs. Jellyby. her children and household were left uncared of while she spent all her time on dubious projects in Africa.

Expand full comment
Michael Maiello's avatar

Bleak House is a great example. I am skeptical that charitable giving is the answer here, for a few reasons. One is that I know you and most wealthy people don't ONLY give to family, so it's not an either/or proposition. In any event, not all philanthropy works to mitigate economic inequality, and that's okay. We need operas, too. We need rare disease research or even common disease research that the market doesn't support. And, as you say, to leave your kids out is unnatural and even kind of cruel. I also notice that when really rich people like Warren Buffett say they are not leaving their money to their kids that it's not that simple. They did all get grants of Berkshire stock and he has also transferred a lot of wealth into foundations that his children will run. While those foundations are not personal piggy banks, they provide lifetime employment, at generous wages, for their head trustees.

Expand full comment
Johanna Polus's avatar

Thanks for this, David. It's rare that you get an honest glimpse into how wealthy families manage wealth.

To me, it seems that what has really worked in your favor (and is to your credit!) is having a stable, loving, and intact family. I have a family member who worked as an estates and trusts attorney and litigated inheritance cases. Hoo-boy, do things get complicated when there are multiple spouses and children.

It's a lot easier to build and transfer generational wealth when there's no divorce. I help my husband with his law practice and I've seen a lot of clients, from working class to affluent, scrambling to support two sets of children. I'm not passing judgment on anyone who's divorced, this is just the nature of the beast.

Expand full comment
Good Humor by CK Steefel's avatar

Great point about having an in tact family. Hubby was always told he would never have to worry about money— until his dad married again after his mom died.

Expand full comment
Deborah Demander's avatar

Divorce is a destroyer of wealth. Generations of my own family have gone through divorce after divorce. The generation of cousins, of which I am the eldest (19 cousins) is mostly struggling and scraping by. Three cousins could be considered well-off, but not wealthy. It’s unusual for wealth to survive the collapse of the family.

Expand full comment
Jane Baker's avatar

An old film starring Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy depicts the era your grandfather knew. The film is a bit creaky by modern standards but the writing is excellent. Clark Gable plays a kind of adventurer he strikes oil,he buys a big fancy house and lives high. He loses it all. He strikes oil again and repeat. Even as a kid that made no sense to me I think I thought a bit like your grandfather but I've never struck oil! it's a good film. I might have mentioned before that I was brought up with some odd financial notions. I'm old enough now to have rationalized that. I think your whole family is very grounded and you know when to stop. I think your adult kids are like that too. That's great education. I think to learn about HOW MONEY WORKS is a good thing but they are never really going to teach it in schools because it would undermine the economy based on "growth". That is if no one wants to buy what you produce because they dont want "stuff" then you have to find a new market. I think that is why the "world economy" has shifted. I think a much neglected aspect of this wider subject is managing on what you've got. I know this is " I buried the one talent territory and here it if safe back" territory which got the risk averse servant in trouble. So unjust in my opinion. But if you have very little but you manage to live on it well and indeed live better than some of your neighbours/friends who have more but are always broke..but that is seen,always has been as 'contemprible" settling for second rate,not trying,having no ambition or aims. I dont see it like that.

it's a fascinating topic.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Jane. Yes, I thinks oil wildcatters are not known for handling their risk well.

Expand full comment
Christiana White's avatar

Thank you for your provocative essay. I really struggle with this. My daughter is in a relationship with a young woman whose parents support them. She is 24, graduated from UCLA, and has never had a "real" job (judgment?)--by that I mean, a job that can support her/them, and one with health insurance, a career job... I feel strongly the support of the girlfriend's parents is holding these girls back and that when they wake up and try to fend for themselves (especially if the relationship doesn't last, and my daughter is suddenly out in the cold), they will realize their resumes are in tatters, they will be on the back foot, and their confidence will crumble, if it hasn't already. How do you "support" kids without ruining them, making them entitled or unaware of how to work hard? By the same token, the essay guards against treating kids differently. I "support" my son more in some ways because he works so hard. Ironically, if my daughter was working hard, I'd be supporting her more. I don't want to take away her agency. Also to note: I'm not at all wealthy and have deep concerns about my own future and how to afford retirement. When I say I helped my son, I meant I allowed him to live with me many times so he could save money. I told my daughter I would do the same for her, but that she had to have a job. I didn't feel at all comfortable "supporting" an adult child who wasn't working... but maybe I've been too harsh? She wants to live as an artist... maybe it's not fair or none of my business how she's "working" -- why should my support be only if she's working in a "traditional" or compensated fashion? I'm all mixed up about all of this, increasingly confused, feeling uncertain. Thank you for your food for thought.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Christiana for your thoughts. it's not an easy topic. there are so many books about how to be a parent to young kids but not very much guidance when they get to be young adults. I do think as a parent if you wrestle with these complex issues as you're doing, you are ahead of the game.

Expand full comment
Christiana White's avatar

Hi David, thank you for your personal reply. I do wonder though, how people manage to ease kids who are hungry, hard-working, and ambitious if they have a decent amount of support… clearly, some do… but I know too many parents who are throwing their hands up about their kids who went to the very best private schools and colleges and are now doing nothing with their lives. What’s the trick?

Expand full comment
Michael Mohr's avatar

Yeah, I relate. My grandfather was Milt E. Mohr (Google him), CEO of Quotron and many other companies over the decades between the 1950s-80s. He handed wealth down to my dad who handed it down to me. I've been lucky on that front but I never got one big lump sum. More like help over the years without expecting repayment. It's definitely a privilege. I was a really bad alcoholic and bad spender throughout my twenties but got sober before 30 and grew up/matured. I can see how it could potentially be harmful to gift money to your kids. And I see the potential benefits. Complex. Pros n cons. I will say that growing up with a lot of blue collar friends I was always the odd kid out, the 'rich kid.' And in my twenties people often dismissed my trauma because I 'had money.' And if you 'have money' you can't really have serious problems.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Michael for the comment. There is a tendency to feel a wealthy person should never complain, a feeling held by others and by the wealthy person themself.

Expand full comment
Midlife Musings's avatar

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. It can be hard to come to terms with a large inheritance (cue small violins here) and also want to do right for your adult children (limit too much struggling, but impart the important of hard work and discipline). I think my parents did a good job with us - we didn’t become significantly wealthy until we sold our company when we were all in our 50s/60s - but the next generation will not see the effort of building up a company, it’s ups and downs and ultimately letting a legacy go for the comfort of a well funded retirement. Do I wish everyone could have a similar story? Of course. But I also remember the true ambition, never give up philosophy my father had. He and so many others like him succeeded by hard work and it was (is) their prerogative to take care of their families.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Peggy. It's good to remember the prior generations and hope somehow they might have been aware or are aware how much their hard work paid off.

Expand full comment
nina wheeler roberts's avatar

I could fill a novel with my response, but I will just say I have seen families destroyed over money and I have seen families saved from a generous and giving stance towards each other and the world.

I think that money creates many challenges and opportunities for human evolution. Money is currency. It is a way to exchange energy, and there are many ways to exchange energy. There are many things that are valuable. In fact, what we use money for is really more valuable than the money.

I thank you for being willing to dive into this topic and I pray for better days for all people at all levels of wealth. I pray for honesty, I pray for equanimity. I pray for morality. And I know that soon we will understand that wealth is so much more than the money that we have the right to or the access to, which are not always the same. And where did those rights come from…exploitations and injustices can be found in all families if we explore deeply.

Either way, the greatest wealth is in mastering the self and keeping an open heart, despite the evil that exists in the world and within our own families, the evil that tells us it is better to be wealthy and in control of all things than it is to be generous and kind, and respect individual choices. I find that money is a great teacher and revealer, and as a collective humanity we have a far way to go.

money is one thing, but knowledge, land, water, internal resources, resilience of heart and mind, that is the greatest wealth. nature shows us how resources flow. freely and where they are needed. I have hope for us humans, that we will allow nature, the mother, to guide us in flowing currency, energy, in service to the whole.

what good is it to be wealthy if the world is depleted of resources and love? it’s nothing. and what will take the place of money as things change? what do we place the highest value on? perhaps freedom is the answer for most. and I wonder how money either hinders or supports the quest for liberation.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Nina.

Expand full comment
Deborah Demander's avatar

Your response is lovely. Well thought out and in my opinion, wise and thought provoking.

Wealth is so much more than money. I know wealthy people who are miserable and poor people who are joyful.

I appreciate your belief that the greatest wealth is living with an open heart and self-mastery.

Honoring life, the earth and its resources, these things could set us all free.

If only we weren’t so busy trying to acquire massive piles of shiny objects.

Expand full comment
ABBY's avatar
5dEdited

Thank you for sharing your experience and historical perspective, I always enjoy your writing and commend your rigorous citations. It’s not an easy dilemma, how to raise and fiscally educate children - whether it’s a dollar or millions; the way we give says so much about the lessons we intend to impart.

Expand full comment
David Roberts's avatar

Thanks Abby.

Expand full comment
Good Humor by CK Steefel's avatar

Yes! Love the citations. David always gives us homework. 😉

Expand full comment