David, this is one of your best! I vividly remember perusing The Joy of Sex when it came out in the 70s. I was newly married… and those illustrations! Married now for 53 years and still very much in love with the guy I met in college.
I enjoyed this post and by coincidence David, my paperbagstories.substack.com yesterday refers to the ‘Joy of Sex’ and infidelity, which I believe has been more common throughout my near 82 years than many want to admit. Older woman seem to enjoy sex more in my experience, even with older men. It is certainly more memorable! Just think of Tina Turner singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Lose You.’ Like you, I am fascinated by sex and relationships. I read ‘On Chesil Beach’ by Ian McEwan and cried at times. I waited ten years and two children before leaving my first wife for the woman I have now lived with for 51 years and married to for 50 come next February. Loveless marriages (and I have witnessed a few) are, in my view, acts of toleration and mutual self-interest.
Suzanne Moore, a columnist in The Guardian many years ago, observed that men and women are drawn into relationships, more by proximity and opportunity than lust or sexual appetite and, from the years I spent as a sessional pregnancy counsellor, I believe this to be true. Why? Because sex is the best pleasure there is with the right person, and in no way threatens long term happy relationships in which sex plays an important part. Regards 🐰
We have a profound misunderstanding of where intimacy begins. for men the physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy. for women there is no physical intimacy truly without emotional intimacy, and trust. so by the time there’s a rift in the bedroom, and the man might notice, the woman has LONG left the space in order to survive because her imperative is to be soft enough to carry on the human race, to be able to create life and nurture it and when trust goes and respect goes that’s when sex ends. And men need to feel honored and respected and like a protector in order to be intimate and want to be in relationship. It’s not the lack of sex that breaks the marriage. It’s what led to the lack of sex, and when that is understood then all things are possible.
Well said. I couldn’t agree more. Especially this: “her imperative is to be soft enough to carry on the human race,” which is true in different ways, literal and symbolic, at different life stages.
Love this comment. At the end of the day, men are commanded to love their wives and women, to respect their husbands. When we show up authentically and express our needs honestly, then we all win. I’m still a work in progress.
PS the only thing that can ruin anyone’s life is the meaning that they give to the circumstances. things happen. the meaning that we give it and what we do with these new ingredients is what makes a life. because we know that all potentials are always possible, but we have to tap into that field of all potentials inside of us. And when we do that then we actually begin to change at a cellular level and then maybe the person that someone was is gone and so that life is ruined, but a new person emerges.
Your title. Would be the start of a bestseller. The joy of sex book. I never purchased. My take. If you have to read about it you’re not doing it right . I’m with Debbie Weil. A David best or one of.
Your title made me think of that Esther Perel classic, “Mating in Captivity,” but honestly I can’t add anything wiser than what Nina has said here. Physical attraction and mutual appreciation do make a difference.
In that dense first episode of DTF St Louis, the young female detective (Jodie) explains to the older male detective (Donoghue) that she and her husband practice an intentional form of sex-positivity together. She introduces the concept that there are ways to meet your needs without always looking across the street. They also live in the suburbs, which Donoghue finds imagines is boring, and the seat of inevitable envy. There's something intriguing (and generational?) in Jodie is solving the dead-bedroom problem alongside her husband, whereas Clark and Floyd bumble are undone in their efforts to their needs for companionship across the street. I hope Jodie gets to have her "I told you so" moment with Clark and his poor wife.
I missed that. The subplot between the two detectives is one of the best parts of the show. Looking forward to the final episodes and will definitely rewatch at some point.
Wonderful post, speaking as a very happily married woman for 62 years and counting. It's time someone shouted these things from the rooftops. PS. The Times (London) has had two articles about sex in the last week, one a few days ago about sex in your 80s and today about sex in your 70s. 90s anyone?
David this is off topic...forgive the intrusion. I really enjoy your substack and because of your topic, this may be of interest to you, the question; does a family need wealth, land, titles, to protect and project your family through the ages. Can regular families do this?
My next book, coming out from Sophia Institute Press this fall, deals with this question; "Not Just for Kings: The Secrets to a 500-Year Family." James Hughes, wealth adviser and author of Family Wealth and other books on the topic has blurbed it (he was extremely helpful in my thinking).
If you are interested is seeing it in draft, please let me know here or at austiruse@c-fam.org
I didn’t realize it was possible for me to love Debbie more. I, too, yell at my husband over every straying man on TV. I also hold long, daytime grudges when he’s unfaithful in my dreams.
As a woman well over 40 and approaching a 40th wedding anniversary, I truly appreciate this post, David! Love your closing excerpts, especially! Keep it up (whatever “it” is 😜🙄).
Great post David! I don't know if you and Debbie have had a chance to read the ARC I sent you, but others have told me that a side effect of my memoir is better sex with their partners. While not my primary objective for writing about the first year after my husband died, I'll admit that I hoped my experience would awaken readers' sexual curiosity in the aftermath of loss. Consider yourself warned 🤣.
In my perception, there’s a very rigid set of sexual and social expectations around heterosexual, monogamous relationships.
That set of expectations isn’t a good fit for many. I think it’s important to do some self-examination and honest communication about agreements throughout a relationship. Staying curious drives eroticism. At least in my experience.
I agree that monogamous relationships don't work for everyone. I wonder, however, if a monogamous marriage is now portrayed as TOO scary. I also recently watched the silly but enjoyable horror show "Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen"which is an over the top message that if you marry the wrong person, there will be a lot of blood.
David, this is one of your best! I vividly remember perusing The Joy of Sex when it came out in the 70s. I was newly married… and those illustrations! Married now for 53 years and still very much in love with the guy I met in college.
Debbie, I think that book was a game changer for many people!
You forgot the part about...........no, wait. You didn't.
I enjoyed this post and by coincidence David, my paperbagstories.substack.com yesterday refers to the ‘Joy of Sex’ and infidelity, which I believe has been more common throughout my near 82 years than many want to admit. Older woman seem to enjoy sex more in my experience, even with older men. It is certainly more memorable! Just think of Tina Turner singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Lose You.’ Like you, I am fascinated by sex and relationships. I read ‘On Chesil Beach’ by Ian McEwan and cried at times. I waited ten years and two children before leaving my first wife for the woman I have now lived with for 51 years and married to for 50 come next February. Loveless marriages (and I have witnessed a few) are, in my view, acts of toleration and mutual self-interest.
Suzanne Moore, a columnist in The Guardian many years ago, observed that men and women are drawn into relationships, more by proximity and opportunity than lust or sexual appetite and, from the years I spent as a sessional pregnancy counsellor, I believe this to be true. Why? Because sex is the best pleasure there is with the right person, and in no way threatens long term happy relationships in which sex plays an important part. Regards 🐰
Thanks for the comment Kevin. On Chesil Beach was a very sad tale. I agree about proximity since we covet what we see.
We have a profound misunderstanding of where intimacy begins. for men the physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy. for women there is no physical intimacy truly without emotional intimacy, and trust. so by the time there’s a rift in the bedroom, and the man might notice, the woman has LONG left the space in order to survive because her imperative is to be soft enough to carry on the human race, to be able to create life and nurture it and when trust goes and respect goes that’s when sex ends. And men need to feel honored and respected and like a protector in order to be intimate and want to be in relationship. It’s not the lack of sex that breaks the marriage. It’s what led to the lack of sex, and when that is understood then all things are possible.
Well said. I couldn’t agree more. Especially this: “her imperative is to be soft enough to carry on the human race,” which is true in different ways, literal and symbolic, at different life stages.
Love this comment. At the end of the day, men are commanded to love their wives and women, to respect their husbands. When we show up authentically and express our needs honestly, then we all win. I’m still a work in progress.
PS the only thing that can ruin anyone’s life is the meaning that they give to the circumstances. things happen. the meaning that we give it and what we do with these new ingredients is what makes a life. because we know that all potentials are always possible, but we have to tap into that field of all potentials inside of us. And when we do that then we actually begin to change at a cellular level and then maybe the person that someone was is gone and so that life is ruined, but a new person emerges.
This! 🙌
Your title. Would be the start of a bestseller. The joy of sex book. I never purchased. My take. If you have to read about it you’re not doing it right . I’m with Debbie Weil. A David best or one of.
Second, or third that “best of”. Put this one in your memoir, David
Thanks Jane,
Thanks Jennifer!
Your title made me think of that Esther Perel classic, “Mating in Captivity,” but honestly I can’t add anything wiser than what Nina has said here. Physical attraction and mutual appreciation do make a difference.
In that dense first episode of DTF St Louis, the young female detective (Jodie) explains to the older male detective (Donoghue) that she and her husband practice an intentional form of sex-positivity together. She introduces the concept that there are ways to meet your needs without always looking across the street. They also live in the suburbs, which Donoghue finds imagines is boring, and the seat of inevitable envy. There's something intriguing (and generational?) in Jodie is solving the dead-bedroom problem alongside her husband, whereas Clark and Floyd bumble are undone in their efforts to their needs for companionship across the street. I hope Jodie gets to have her "I told you so" moment with Clark and his poor wife.
Michael,
I missed that. The subplot between the two detectives is one of the best parts of the show. Looking forward to the final episodes and will definitely rewatch at some point.
Wonderful post, speaking as a very happily married woman for 62 years and counting. It's time someone shouted these things from the rooftops. PS. The Times (London) has had two articles about sex in the last week, one a few days ago about sex in your 80s and today about sex in your 70s. 90s anyone?
Thanks Ann.
David this is off topic...forgive the intrusion. I really enjoy your substack and because of your topic, this may be of interest to you, the question; does a family need wealth, land, titles, to protect and project your family through the ages. Can regular families do this?
My next book, coming out from Sophia Institute Press this fall, deals with this question; "Not Just for Kings: The Secrets to a 500-Year Family." James Hughes, wealth adviser and author of Family Wealth and other books on the topic has blurbed it (he was extremely helpful in my thinking).
If you are interested is seeing it in draft, please let me know here or at austiruse@c-fam.org
Many thanks...
Austin Ruse
That book sounds like an interesting concept. My email is robertsdavidn@gmail.com if you want to send the draft.
Many many thanks..i am in the final stages with my editor..will send when that is complete in a few weeks. Very kind of you.
I didn’t realize it was possible for me to love Debbie more. I, too, yell at my husband over every straying man on TV. I also hold long, daytime grudges when he’s unfaithful in my dreams.
Tears and a grudge if in her dreams I have an affair! Because I must have said or done something to provoke the dream. Obviously.
This attitude is why you are so happily married.
As a woman well over 40 and approaching a 40th wedding anniversary, I truly appreciate this post, David! Love your closing excerpts, especially! Keep it up (whatever “it” is 😜🙄).
Thank you Etta.
"Although while we’re watching a show, my wife Debbie still yells at me for the wandering ways of fictional men. "
As she should 😂😂😂
Great post David! I don't know if you and Debbie have had a chance to read the ARC I sent you, but others have told me that a side effect of my memoir is better sex with their partners. While not my primary objective for writing about the first year after my husband died, I'll admit that I hoped my experience would awaken readers' sexual curiosity in the aftermath of loss. Consider yourself warned 🤣.
Thanks Amy. Warning noted.
"Debbie also yells at me when anyone cheats who’s even remotely in our social orbit."
This is proof that she CARES! Your fidelity is a matter of passionate importance to her.
BTW, go Debbie!
In my perception, there’s a very rigid set of sexual and social expectations around heterosexual, monogamous relationships.
That set of expectations isn’t a good fit for many. I think it’s important to do some self-examination and honest communication about agreements throughout a relationship. Staying curious drives eroticism. At least in my experience.
Amber,
I agree that monogamous relationships don't work for everyone. I wonder, however, if a monogamous marriage is now portrayed as TOO scary. I also recently watched the silly but enjoyable horror show "Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen"which is an over the top message that if you marry the wrong person, there will be a lot of blood.