I have to tell you that extravagant parties are the norm in suburbia. Neighbors have to out do each other, or if one throws a ridiculous party then to remain in that social circle you have to do the same. You see it even in children's parties. But not just parties, its clothes, cars, vacations. The rich have always spent their money this way and there is just so much more money now for some people than ever before. It just feels like it is more in your face now than ever before because of social media. Think "The Great Gatsby."
I am not sure why people would put that in a magazine though. That is some cognitive dissonance when affordability is a main political talking point.
That is what I wanted for our older son's bar mitzvah but the hubby insisted he wanted a "party" here. It was wasted on my son because he was so overwhelmed he spent the entire party away from the party. I have learned to listen to my instincts.
But do people HAVE to do it? I think if any of our friends or neighbours threw an extravagant patryy we would just think they have more money than sense, and if not trying to match it meant social ostracisim then they wouldn't be our sort of people anyway. Or am I just being naiive?
I think these parties are a combination of things. Kids do size each other up and they talk about each others parties. Cliques are created and no one wants their child to be on the "outs." But these parties are also used for business. Clients and their families are also invited. Its a multi-circle event.
fair enough, though I've always hated business networking at such events. I always seem to get stuck with some obnoxious person talking about how he's just opened his fourth shop and is thinking of buying a sports convertible because it has more torque, whatever that is. It's like boasting on steroids. I usually try to escape to the garden.
My sister lived in a wealthy area. One or two bar mitzvahs every weekend and the gift expectation was a check for $54. This was 12 years ago. So every month a family had to lay out over $400. I asked her, What about families who can’t afford this? She shrugged.
To me a great party is a setting for people to interact comfortably with one another. The success of a party can be measured by the delight and smiles of the guests at one another.
Well of course Debbie has good taste and is not too extravagant! I'm sure I'd love her parties. I love to do little dinner parties in my one bedroom apartment that certainly would not make anyone scream about wealth or extravagance. These days it seems that people get so few home cooked meals that just throwing together a dinner at all is a cause for shock and celebration. I'm having an after-Thanksgiving party for some friends, one of whom has no family living and I'm his only real human contact, so I try to do holiday meals for him, even if not on the date (when I will be with my mother.) I'm probably going to make what I call "Dollar Store Beef Stroganoff." It's farmers' market very good ground beef, plus multiple cans of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup and some sour cream over egg noodles. I literally get the ingredients from the dollar store up the block. And you know what? Everyone loves it. I'm not trying to to lower class chic. Just making meals that people enjoy without a lot of expense. Now when I do get some money I'm known to go a bit crazy creating a cheese tray...
Your parties sound wonderful. My view is that if the hostess is relaxed and happy to see her guests, everything else is secondary. Some people fuss so much they ruin the evening.
I have never heard of wedding pictures of ancestors at a child’s wedding before, and absolutely love the idea. What a touching and meaningful way to honour the past and bless the present! Loved the article, thanks for sharing.
It’s actually pretty common which doesn’t detract from its meaning. My daughter had a memory table with framed pics of passed loved ones including a college friend who was killed in a freak car accident.
I am completely with you on the perfect evening being time spent with interesting people at a quiet dinner. As for the Adam Scott quote, I do feel that is very culturally British (or Scottish in his case): American culture is and always has been much more embracing of self-promotion, as there was actually a real possibility it would help you rise through society in a way that would have been impossible in the UK. Yes, in a small segment of US society that is looked down on, but overall it’s tolerated.
Also, we had generational wedding pictures at our wedding! Love that tradition.
There's probably a Tocqueville quote on American boastfulness being a product of a society that is not as unequal as aristocratic societies of his time.
I worked as a sommelier at a private club here in Toronto for many years. It was fascinating to see the collisions, even the tension in some cases, between old money and new.
The generational wealth crowd (some of Canada’s most prestigious families and Rosedale addresses) went out of their way to downplay their considerable money (they drove old Buicks and wore clothes to the point of threadbare.) The new money set of hedge funds and tech were happy to display what they earned.
For the record, I thought both sides had really nice people and people who weren’t so nice.
Stewart confused the personal "help" with the collective one, and there is a big difference. Something like how Wilson Pickett does it (intentionally?) in this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hlu8FwW6qU
In this time of suffering by so many, to discuss what are and what perhaps are not acceptable ways of displaying personal wealth to me misses the point entirely.
This is wonderful writing David, thanks for sharing.
This poor behavior, imo, is no different than any abhorrent (yeah I chose that word purposely) behavior of any “group.” The people who already dislike the group add it as another reason to dislike them.
Then there’s the rest of us. Just out here trying to not give a F, mind our own business, and have a happy life.
David, in answer to your question, “a lot,” when it comes to general dislike of the very wealthy. As you know, I recently published an intimate post about being a privileged white lady. It was in response to a nasty comment I got from a subscriber who accused me of being, yes, “a white woman with privilege,” even though my "wealth" is nowhere near obscene. Her mean comment stung because she didn’t understand that that’s only one part of who I am; no doubt, the comment was more about her own issues than mine. Still…
imho you consistently convey what kind of person you are, what you think about, what you read—all important parts of your identity and not especially related to your wealth. I suspect most of your readers are charmed by your forthrightness and insights; maybe they’re also surprised that a very rich man can be such a good guy. As always, hats off to your Debbie, who is an excellent editor.
I knew you and I must have something in common ! Disdain for Brussel sprouts. My line “ new drug of choice .” I lived in Greenwich in my 20’s. A small cottage. Actually enchanted on an estate. Rent. 350 month. Maybe less. An easier time before Greenwich Ave overrun with 4 star restaurants. Boodles . Best Sunday brunch. I could go on but this is your story. I met my husband 48 years ago on a Belle Haven tennis court. Blind date. Something horrible occurred on those grounds a few years before. That too is another story. You and your wife have the rare privilege of living it with gracefully.
In my experience, the very wealthy in England ("old money") tend to be very understated. I mean, they're the ones wearing thirty year-old shoes and a forty-year-old jacket. Maybe they throw lavish parties, I don't know, but certainly they tend not to flaunt their wealth in everyday life. I've always thought the sort of flaunting you're wring about is crass, unappealing and unbecoming. Still, as you say, if it helps the local economy, and it makes them happy, so be it I suppose.
Thanks Terry. I did a conversation with Eleanor Anstruther who is very old money (like a thousand years) and very understated herself. She said the same thing-- that the old money wealthy in England pride themselves on how disheveled they appear.
I have relatives who I describe as “gauche” because everything they do is over the top. If I didn’t have a better sense of self, it would get to me. I kind of roll my eyes at the comments about buying things at Chanel or Gucci. Even if I had the money, that’s not my style. I appreciate quiet luxury. It’s classy. The wealth that is in our faces just tells me that the people showing off are wildly insecure and need validation.
I have to tell you that extravagant parties are the norm in suburbia. Neighbors have to out do each other, or if one throws a ridiculous party then to remain in that social circle you have to do the same. You see it even in children's parties. But not just parties, its clothes, cars, vacations. The rich have always spent their money this way and there is just so much more money now for some people than ever before. It just feels like it is more in your face now than ever before because of social media. Think "The Great Gatsby."
I am not sure why people would put that in a magazine though. That is some cognitive dissonance when affordability is a main political talking point.
Yes! Children’s parties are obscene now.
This is one of the reasons my kids B’nai Mitzvah was in Israel. I wanted the spirituality of this milestone not a party competition.
That is what I wanted for our older son's bar mitzvah but the hubby insisted he wanted a "party" here. It was wasted on my son because he was so overwhelmed he spent the entire party away from the party. I have learned to listen to my instincts.
🙏🏻🙏🏻 Mama knows best.
these days you could just ask ChatGPT!
I would have been the same.
Our son got a migraine at his celebration. Too much noise and attention. His uncle took him outside for a walk.
Oh no. I’ll bet the walk helped.
My mother made mine a relatively low-key affair, and one of the guests said they'd just been to a massively lavish one and preferred ours.
The kids compare but good on the parents who teach them what is meaningful.
I agree.
What the heck? I’ve lived in suburbs all my life and no. This is a hobby of the 10 percent.
But do people HAVE to do it? I think if any of our friends or neighbours threw an extravagant patryy we would just think they have more money than sense, and if not trying to match it meant social ostracisim then they wouldn't be our sort of people anyway. Or am I just being naiive?
I think these parties are a combination of things. Kids do size each other up and they talk about each others parties. Cliques are created and no one wants their child to be on the "outs." But these parties are also used for business. Clients and their families are also invited. Its a multi-circle event.
fair enough, though I've always hated business networking at such events. I always seem to get stuck with some obnoxious person talking about how he's just opened his fourth shop and is thinking of buying a sports convertible because it has more torque, whatever that is. It's like boasting on steroids. I usually try to escape to the garden.
My sister lived in a wealthy area. One or two bar mitzvahs every weekend and the gift expectation was a check for $54. This was 12 years ago. So every month a family had to lay out over $400. I asked her, What about families who can’t afford this? She shrugged.
why $54? It used to be $36 when my boys were in middle school. So 3 × 18 instead of 2 × 18? Gift inflation.
There's definitely inflation of wealth at work here!
Agree, Terry!
To me a great party is a setting for people to interact comfortably with one another. The success of a party can be measured by the delight and smiles of the guests at one another.
Well of course Debbie has good taste and is not too extravagant! I'm sure I'd love her parties. I love to do little dinner parties in my one bedroom apartment that certainly would not make anyone scream about wealth or extravagance. These days it seems that people get so few home cooked meals that just throwing together a dinner at all is a cause for shock and celebration. I'm having an after-Thanksgiving party for some friends, one of whom has no family living and I'm his only real human contact, so I try to do holiday meals for him, even if not on the date (when I will be with my mother.) I'm probably going to make what I call "Dollar Store Beef Stroganoff." It's farmers' market very good ground beef, plus multiple cans of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup and some sour cream over egg noodles. I literally get the ingredients from the dollar store up the block. And you know what? Everyone loves it. I'm not trying to to lower class chic. Just making meals that people enjoy without a lot of expense. Now when I do get some money I'm known to go a bit crazy creating a cheese tray...
Your parties sound wonderful. My view is that if the hostess is relaxed and happy to see her guests, everything else is secondary. Some people fuss so much they ruin the evening.
Yes! Small dinners where people can talk to people they know well, know a little, or don't know yet. That's the type of event that builds community.
I have a friend over now having pork chops, potatoes and mixed vegetables. We aren’t Jewish though I rarely eat pork.
I have never heard of wedding pictures of ancestors at a child’s wedding before, and absolutely love the idea. What a touching and meaningful way to honour the past and bless the present! Loved the article, thanks for sharing.
It’s actually pretty common which doesn’t detract from its meaning. My daughter had a memory table with framed pics of passed loved ones including a college friend who was killed in a freak car accident.
I am completely with you on the perfect evening being time spent with interesting people at a quiet dinner. As for the Adam Scott quote, I do feel that is very culturally British (or Scottish in his case): American culture is and always has been much more embracing of self-promotion, as there was actually a real possibility it would help you rise through society in a way that would have been impossible in the UK. Yes, in a small segment of US society that is looked down on, but overall it’s tolerated.
Also, we had generational wedding pictures at our wedding! Love that tradition.
There's probably a Tocqueville quote on American boastfulness being a product of a society that is not as unequal as aristocratic societies of his time.
This is so interesting to me, David.
I worked as a sommelier at a private club here in Toronto for many years. It was fascinating to see the collisions, even the tension in some cases, between old money and new.
The generational wealth crowd (some of Canada’s most prestigious families and Rosedale addresses) went out of their way to downplay their considerable money (they drove old Buicks and wore clothes to the point of threadbare.) The new money set of hedge funds and tech were happy to display what they earned.
For the record, I thought both sides had really nice people and people who weren’t so nice.
Very good point.
I think that's true. Although when extravagance is actively promoted, that's a clue about the nature of the promoters.
Stewart confused the personal "help" with the collective one, and there is a big difference. Something like how Wilson Pickett does it (intentionally?) in this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Hlu8FwW6qU
What a great song! Listening to it now as I type.
In this time of suffering by so many, to discuss what are and what perhaps are not acceptable ways of displaying personal wealth to me misses the point entirely.
Some part of the suffering is psychic, that people do not care and we have lost community. Not to diminish material suffering and deprivation.
All I can say is when the guillotines come out mostly my response will be “well, they have a point.”
Many points!
Martha Stewart is a disgusting human being and prison taught her nothing.
She's really tarnishing her legacy.
I never thought she had any. Sorry.
Whether it’s new or old money or even in politics gloating is a big no-no in the Torah.
This is wonderful writing David, thanks for sharing.
This poor behavior, imo, is no different than any abhorrent (yeah I chose that word purposely) behavior of any “group.” The people who already dislike the group add it as another reason to dislike them.
Then there’s the rest of us. Just out here trying to not give a F, mind our own business, and have a happy life.
Well and powerfully expressed.
David, in answer to your question, “a lot,” when it comes to general dislike of the very wealthy. As you know, I recently published an intimate post about being a privileged white lady. It was in response to a nasty comment I got from a subscriber who accused me of being, yes, “a white woman with privilege,” even though my "wealth" is nowhere near obscene. Her mean comment stung because she didn’t understand that that’s only one part of who I am; no doubt, the comment was more about her own issues than mine. Still…
imho you consistently convey what kind of person you are, what you think about, what you read—all important parts of your identity and not especially related to your wealth. I suspect most of your readers are charmed by your forthrightness and insights; maybe they’re also surprised that a very rich man can be such a good guy. As always, hats off to your Debbie, who is an excellent editor.
💯
Thanks Debbie!
I knew you and I must have something in common ! Disdain for Brussel sprouts. My line “ new drug of choice .” I lived in Greenwich in my 20’s. A small cottage. Actually enchanted on an estate. Rent. 350 month. Maybe less. An easier time before Greenwich Ave overrun with 4 star restaurants. Boodles . Best Sunday brunch. I could go on but this is your story. I met my husband 48 years ago on a Belle Haven tennis court. Blind date. Something horrible occurred on those grounds a few years before. That too is another story. You and your wife have the rare privilege of living it with gracefully.
Thanks Jennifer. I always love to hear about your history!
In my experience, the very wealthy in England ("old money") tend to be very understated. I mean, they're the ones wearing thirty year-old shoes and a forty-year-old jacket. Maybe they throw lavish parties, I don't know, but certainly they tend not to flaunt their wealth in everyday life. I've always thought the sort of flaunting you're wring about is crass, unappealing and unbecoming. Still, as you say, if it helps the local economy, and it makes them happy, so be it I suppose.
I'm glad your editor keeps you in check!
Same with old money in the US which tends to be non-Jews. Not a lot of old money Jews (except for David) because we haven’t been here very long.
Boston old money from the 17th century very different than Lower East Side money from the 19th century!
Thanks Terry. I did a conversation with Eleanor Anstruther who is very old money (like a thousand years) and very understated herself. She said the same thing-- that the old money wealthy in England pride themselves on how disheveled they appear.
😂
The Martha Stewart costume blew my mind. How could someone known for having good taste be so thoughtless?
Someone else brought up her prison sentence for perjury.
I have relatives who I describe as “gauche” because everything they do is over the top. If I didn’t have a better sense of self, it would get to me. I kind of roll my eyes at the comments about buying things at Chanel or Gucci. Even if I had the money, that’s not my style. I appreciate quiet luxury. It’s classy. The wealth that is in our faces just tells me that the people showing off are wildly insecure and need validation.
In your face anything is unattractive!