Debbie and I watched The Invite this week. Seth Rogan and Olivia Wilde star in the movie as a forty-something couple, miserable with themselves and each other.
Thank you David. A needed, reflective piece for a Saturday morning. Comparisons are fraught. They can be aspirational. But they can also be defeating. Plus, when looking at someone else, we often just focus on the one apparent quality where we believe we fall short. It pays for all of us to focus on our blessings and good fortune. We all have some. We all also have challenges, I’m not ignoring that. But we get to choose where we direct our attention.
Appreciate this thoughtful dive into The Invite, David. Watched recently and really enjoyed it - such a funny film, though it exposes the characters’ self-doubts. Even Hawk (Edward Norton) isn’t as breezily confident as he at first seems. It’s one I’ll re-watch as it is nuanced and so sparky, and I love a drama that takes place in just one setting.
The comparison of our youthful expectations versus what we (and our partners) become is so interesting. The song that sprung to my mind was the Pina Colada song, as Angela (Olivia Wilde) and Joe (Seth Rogan) are not so alienated as they think they are.
Comparisons should be a commandment. Thou shalt not compare. But I suppose it falls under the envy commandment which seems to be a theme in many of your essays.
I love the depth you gave this movie juxtapose your own life. Well done.
There’s an alternate rabbinic interpretation of the 10 Commandments that fits situations of envy. Instead of ten commandments, consider the verses as one declaration, eight commandments, and a consequence. In the Jewish numbering, the first Commandment is “I am Adonai your God, who led you out of Egypt to be your God, I am Adonai your God.” That’s not a commandment, that’s who’s talking. This is followed by eight clear commandments about behavior. The consequence at the end is that if you follow the eight commandments, you will not covet. In other words, you will not be envious of what your neighbor has, but will be content with your own life, satisfied and happy with what you have. Rather than commanding us not to covet what others have, it’s a way of life to avoid envy.
I don’t understand why coveting is on a Top Ten List along with murder. Murder is bad. I love me a good covet. Perhaps it’s my day job. Murder is always a felony. Coveting - not criminal. Everyone please have a great day!
I didn’t see the movie, although I know about it, but I think you are on to something here. From my mid-40s or so, I was so much more successful professionally than ever expected of me by anyone, including me but excepting my lovely Ray, that I have been very relaxed. And happy ‘in myself’ as the British say. I find it so interesting that I have been writing a post on the subject.
I'm more interested in seeing The Invite after reading this thoughtfully essay. Thanks for that.
And yeah, Frisco. My truck driver turned crane operator grandfather called it Frisco, so I did too. My husband cringed whenever I said it. I hate San Fran, so I settled on The City, which I recall from living in the far off environs of SF as a kid in the early 1970s.
FYI, I was driving a taxi (in NYC) listening to "Taxi." Also, I hate this version -- much too fast and unlugubrious. (But no doubt a performer offering a song for the trillionth time has to change things up not to fall asleep.)
David, I didn't mean to dis your taste as it seemed! And I almost always prefer the studio version myself. For me, live versions are mostly better when I'm live with them. BTW, sounds like a film I want to see.
Love this David. I have always had high expectations for myself but low expectations from life. Somewhere in between hard work and surrender it all works out. But lately I’ve been wondering if I should have higher expectations from life?
Kim, I think that attitude could be called Absurdism. We’re gonna try really hard but expect that life will have the last laugh. I share that attitude! A shield against disappointment. “Imagine sisyphus happy.”
Really enjoyed this movie and your analysis. Your ideas around expectations leading to a particularly potent form of envy made me think about how privilege can produce its own distinct kind of affliction: high expectations, familial pressure, etc. can make the range of what counts as success incredibly narrow. The bar is set so high that even an objectively good life can feel like failure. I think this is part of what Joe is experiencing.
I apologize! Comparasion! Of course! But interesting analysis I made of the people I compare myself with over the years. Your article made me think! Which is amazing - touched me deeply. I start watching the movie Invite
Thank you David. A needed, reflective piece for a Saturday morning. Comparisons are fraught. They can be aspirational. But they can also be defeating. Plus, when looking at someone else, we often just focus on the one apparent quality where we believe we fall short. It pays for all of us to focus on our blessings and good fortune. We all have some. We all also have challenges, I’m not ignoring that. But we get to choose where we direct our attention.
💯
Yes Scott, I agree.
Appreciate this thoughtful dive into The Invite, David. Watched recently and really enjoyed it - such a funny film, though it exposes the characters’ self-doubts. Even Hawk (Edward Norton) isn’t as breezily confident as he at first seems. It’s one I’ll re-watch as it is nuanced and so sparky, and I love a drama that takes place in just one setting.
The comparison of our youthful expectations versus what we (and our partners) become is so interesting. The song that sprung to my mind was the Pina Colada song, as Angela (Olivia Wilde) and Joe (Seth Rogan) are not so alienated as they think they are.
Wendy, maybe I'm a glass half empty guy, but my takeaway from that song was they were both cheaters! And inept ones at that. Thanks for the comment.
I agree, but both the song and the film reference potential infidelity, so I think that’s why it popped into my head!
Comparisons should be a commandment. Thou shalt not compare. But I suppose it falls under the envy commandment which seems to be a theme in many of your essays.
I love the depth you gave this movie juxtapose your own life. Well done.
Respect the grapple.
It’s #10, Thou shalt not covet.
There’s an alternate rabbinic interpretation of the 10 Commandments that fits situations of envy. Instead of ten commandments, consider the verses as one declaration, eight commandments, and a consequence. In the Jewish numbering, the first Commandment is “I am Adonai your God, who led you out of Egypt to be your God, I am Adonai your God.” That’s not a commandment, that’s who’s talking. This is followed by eight clear commandments about behavior. The consequence at the end is that if you follow the eight commandments, you will not covet. In other words, you will not be envious of what your neighbor has, but will be content with your own life, satisfied and happy with what you have. Rather than commanding us not to covet what others have, it’s a way of life to avoid envy.
We are, however, a covetous species. Coveting is a survival trait. Unfortunately.
I don’t understand why coveting is on a Top Ten List along with murder. Murder is bad. I love me a good covet. Perhaps it’s my day job. Murder is always a felony. Coveting - not criminal. Everyone please have a great day!
Thanks Carissa.
Absolutely admire this topic! Compassion is a killer but our brains are functioning that way!
Thanks Maria. Interpreted your intended word to be comparison. Auto-correct strikes again.
I didn’t see the movie, although I know about it, but I think you are on to something here. From my mid-40s or so, I was so much more successful professionally than ever expected of me by anyone, including me but excepting my lovely Ray, that I have been very relaxed. And happy ‘in myself’ as the British say. I find it so interesting that I have been writing a post on the subject.
An advantage of perspective that's probably pretty rare in anyone's forties.
thanks for sharing the Taxi clip. I love that song.
Thanks Janet!
I'm more interested in seeing The Invite after reading this thoughtfully essay. Thanks for that.
And yeah, Frisco. My truck driver turned crane operator grandfather called it Frisco, so I did too. My husband cringed whenever I said it. I hate San Fran, so I settled on The City, which I recall from living in the far off environs of SF as a kid in the early 1970s.
Jennifer, maybe we can start a movement to bring back "Frisco!"
We'll be sailing back to Frisco next summer and I'll get it started!
How much better we do than our expectations is one of the few positive gifts of having had a difficult childhood.
Thanks Mary for the comment. I feel that in myself.
I'm curious to see The Invite now. Oh to be in my 40s again. Until I remember how exhausting they were.
I had to look back and remember I was knee deep in parenting and my business. A treadmill when I look back.
Jane, I would not want to repeat! I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
FYI, I was driving a taxi (in NYC) listening to "Taxi." Also, I hate this version -- much too fast and unlugubrious. (But no doubt a performer offering a song for the trillionth time has to change things up not to fall asleep.)
The recorded one is more beautiful. But I almost always prefer the live version of any song .
David, I didn't mean to dis your taste as it seemed! And I almost always prefer the studio version myself. For me, live versions are mostly better when I'm live with them. BTW, sounds like a film I want to see.
No worries. Your comment led me to listen to the studio version and I could hear the appeal.
I cannot begin to express how nice it is not to worry about status. I don’t have any and have never had any.
I suspect once you have some and start comparing yours to that of others, you’re always going to feel dissatisfied.
Thanks for the comment Michelle. I think this movie might furnish a post for you too.
Love this David. I have always had high expectations for myself but low expectations from life. Somewhere in between hard work and surrender it all works out. But lately I’ve been wondering if I should have higher expectations from life?
Kim, I think that attitude could be called Absurdism. We’re gonna try really hard but expect that life will have the last laugh. I share that attitude! A shield against disappointment. “Imagine sisyphus happy.”
Exactly! Camus for the win.
And then there is the second song. Reminded me of Foglebergs Old Lang Syne. What might have been but maybe it’s better it didn’t happen
I took a different take on sex and marriage in my 60s...I'll have to see the movie to catch up.
https://jonathanbrownson.substack.com/p/everything-is-just-fine?r=gdp9j
Really enjoyed this movie and your analysis. Your ideas around expectations leading to a particularly potent form of envy made me think about how privilege can produce its own distinct kind of affliction: high expectations, familial pressure, etc. can make the range of what counts as success incredibly narrow. The bar is set so high that even an objectively good life can feel like failure. I think this is part of what Joe is experiencing.
Thanks for the comment Sophie. Joe needs to watch the movie Mr. Holland’s Opus!
I apologize! Comparasion! Of course! But interesting analysis I made of the people I compare myself with over the years. Your article made me think! Which is amazing - touched me deeply. I start watching the movie Invite