Jet-lagged, tired, and grumpy after my flight home from Europe, I was on the WSJ website and saw a headline about a woman named Hailey Bieber making a billion dollars.
Uh, David, I think you need to take a step back from this philosophizing and ask yourself the very simple question about whether you are happy with your own life. If the answer is yes, as it generally seems to be, envy should fade into the background. If it is no, envy can become dominant. There are two other issues here. The first is the very-top-of-the-mountain effect. Everyone but the one person there can choose to either look up and see who is above them...as Donald Trump does about net worth...or look down and see how many are below them, which in your case seems to be 99.9% of humanity. You have a great marriage, kids and grandkids, lots of money, and choices only a tiny fraction share. The other is the grass is greener...who knows what goes on in people's lives out of the spotlight...or off social media? They can be anorexic, have hemorrhoids, be prone to fits of depression...or totally envious themselves. Yes, we are tribal, and yes, being competitive is part of that, but in the end, we are either content with who we are or we wish we were someone else. For all that you may be looking up the mountain in your jet-lagged state, I don't think you'd just blindly trade places with anyone.
This essay was a case of a jet lagged induced twinge and I was mocking myself, perhaps too subtly. Although I am intrigued by the evolutionary source of our "maladaptive" emotions.
Haha. Didn't seem self-deprecating, but okay, I'll accept that. By the way, Stephen Baldwin is a total jerk, so who knows what scars his daughter carries? As to the other, evolutionary origins are interesting, but the point of evolution is that a species moves beyond formative stages and, in theory, those traits are mitigated by a more advanced incarnation. But humans do not seem to have been able to do that and, as things stand, there is a real chance that our species, like many that have gone before, will not survive. Lack of adequate adaptation is, after all, the reason species go extinct.
I used to argue with Jason Epstein about whether we were a flawed species or a failed species. Jason, ever the doomsayer, said failed. I now fear he might have been right. At his memorial, I said, "Jason's only regret is that after years of predicting the end of world, he won't be around to see it." I hope we're not.
Stephen Baldwin,one of the Baldwin clan,brother Alec who never checked the gun before he shot it,a lot more to that than we'll ever be told (human sacrifice) and brother Billy married to Chyna Phillips,mad but delightful,who I followed on YouTube for about a year until she kept on banging on about the pay wall for her other channel + I know money is neccesary and it's not wrong to expect to be paid but it was too much.
What stood out for me immediately is that each us must possess different meters to measure success. If you measured my life for success based on how much I have, in the way of financial wealth and material possessions I suppose I could be judged as a failure. But if you asked me whether I feel successful, I would reply passionately with a resounding YES, because I've come to love who I am, and am finally doing what I always dreamed of doing. I've never been so filled with joy, which is remarkable to me, given the time we're living in right now. My "success" is relatively recent, this finding joy. But I was/am a success in other ways. I persisted through devastating depression for years, never giving up my goal to recover, and thrive. I never gave up on myself. You, David, from what I've observed, are a very successful man, even if there was no personal wealth. You have love and family (and Sophie) and your wonderful brain. xo
Every so often I feel a twinge of envy, but then I remind myself that (a) I've had a successful career, (b) a successful personal life, and (c) am still handsome and debonair (it must be time for my yearly eye test), all of which I believe from your posts, apply to you. So I say, don't be daft.
I work to feel gratitude for my own idiosyncratic story. It is thoroughly my own, and while it may not be as happy, glamorous or successful as others, it is all mine and all mine to keep writing it.
I think of the quiet moments my daughter had with my grandfather as a baby. I wish he had more time with her while simultaneously treasuring those moments.
Bieber by marriage, Baldwin by birth! no issues there. the real issue I see is how the enhancing of women’s beauty is such big business. which means making women feel they are not good enough is big business. It’s beyond messed up. But it’s a free world, in theory.
RE: how the enhancing of women’s beauty is such big business. which means making women feel they are not good enough is big business. " It's a free woreld, meaning, we are free to not just reject those beauty standards for ourselves, but call them out, get others to criticize those standards, and band together to stand up for different values. I appreciate Jax's method of doing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9K5IS-inHs
I love this essay! First that you admired Hailey Beiber without knowing anything about her is a wonderful thing, reminding me that even super famous folks are not known by everyone. I appreciate the exploration into envy and the opportunity to look deeper at it in my own life, but mostly I think we need your reminder that when our defenses are down (jet lag, for example) the supressed parts of us can more easily surface which can allow for an (uncomfortable) opportunity to notice and grow from them.
Thanks Donna. You "got" precisely what I'm was trying to convey, which is very gratifying. My wife didn't know about the Hailey and Justin connection either!
I’d call this synchronicity as I’ve been thinking a lot about envy over the past few days. Envy has always been deeply corrosive to my own happiness, so I’ve personally found viewing it through a moral lens (i.e. as one of the deadly sins) a helpful way to tame it. It is interesting to consider emotions through their evolutionary functions though.
As Teddy Roosevelt so aptly stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” True, but as you write in your essay, it’s human nature to compare. Envy or jealousy is an ugly emotion but it can lead to motivation to improve. Several years ago, I was a speaker in a women’s performance titled; “That’s what she said” - the topic of my speech was “Birthdays, yoga and the C-word” - that C-word being comparison. We all compare ourselves using others yardsticks. Social media just magnifies that tendency. We know that people show their highlight reels, but on an emotional level it still makes us feel bad about ourselves… you are extremely successful, yet you felt inferior because a 29 year old model/celebrity became a billionaire by selling a cosmetic line. What does that say about how we measure our lives? Yes, jet lag and fatigue puts our defenses on low. I think it’s safe to say, we’ve all been there. Great essay.
Great clip. Reminds me of Michael Scoot, presented with the Machiavelli choice between faer and love said, "I want people to fear how much they love me."
I considered that question before I read on and I chose fear. For much the reasons Machiavelli stated. Maybe that's why relationships are not my strong point. Or maybe thats why I've never been romance scammed!
Years ago, the school my kids attended was having a fancy cocktail party/wine tasting event at a fancy house in a fancy gated community. I was set to attend with a neighbor, when she admitted she was intimidated to attend. I said, why? We are not going to be able to compete with that, so let's just go and enjoy the fancy event.
I'm not saying I don't have a twinge of envy now and again, but for me it helps to keep in perspective what you envious of and if it's achievable. A better wardrobe? Yes. A Birkin and a closet full of The Row? Nope.
For every Hailey Bieber there are multiple celebrity cosmetic lines that don't make it (J Lo and Gwen Stefani come to mind). She partnered with the right people and had the right products, and is great at social media promotion. No shade. I wish her success and a happy life.
I should have bright the Charmin with me to Europe! Thanks for the comment Carissa. The existence of the commandment demonstrates that coveting is something we have to resist!
It's not self confidence to look like a schmuck. It's arrogance. It's exactly the same as the rude rich people in 18thC literature I cited in my post. I've never heard any of his songs anyway so I don't even know if he come up with the goods vocal wise.
I would recommend to pose your "questions" towards those buying rhodeskin products. I know several of them - also concerning various other sinfully expensive products offered in `exclusive´ perfumeries - and all are dissatisfied, not with all of the products all the time but with the very poor price-value-relationship.
I recommended them several of the products I use for years inside(pills, dough etc.) and outside to the skin, which get offered with "objective" descriptions, hidden, hard to find and without a big budget, and for which, and whose value, one has to make a lot of effort to discover. All of them cost a small fraction of those glowfully offered Rhode Trash.
And they DO work.
I have never received a single complaint (not to mention that, OF COURSE !, I look gorgeous and feel alive turning 70 next year...)...!
So, instead of researching "envy", direct your attention towards the dumbness of "consumers". Makes you feel better - if you consume consciously and critically.
I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t actually get envious. I trained myself to be really, really happy for other people and their successes, because - to me - if one person can have it, that means I can have it. Even better if they’re in my social circle. I love when people do well, I love when they achieve their dreams, and I don’t judge if they’re deserving or not because it’s not my business nor is it of relevance. I use their enthusiasm to inspire my own. And if someone has something I want that I will never have, I trust that I’m not supposed to have it because I would either not take care of it properly or it would ruin my soul. It’s a much nicer way of living than giving the stink eye to everyone who does well in their life.
Ditto. Beautifully put. Maybe my lack of envy is helped by living in a rural community in Australia where Life is Good. My lack of social media use probably helps. As a blissfully single older woman, maybe I’ve just been incredibly lucky. Yay to the simple life.
A 29 year old female supermodel made you feel bad about yourself? Oh brother…
I dunno, having read several of your posts, I’d say your vanity trumps your envy. So, only five more sins to psychoanalyze. As your internet psychologist, may I prescribe Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata. Seems a pretty good template for a fulfilling life. You can pay me in airline miles. I just crossed 3 time zones in the middle seat of the last row against the toilets. That’s character building. But I got to watch David Byrne’s Stop Making Sense (fantastic) and 3/4ths of The Departed. Forgot how many great actors are in that one. Also a great movie.
Jrod, I agree I am more vain than envious. That makes me wonder whether vanity is pro and anti-genetic survival. Probably pro. Thanks for making me think.
But I dunno. Good looks do take some further than others. How they use that to further advantage is down to their own or others brain power. I bet the good looking caveman warrior attracted more followers,maybe admirers who sought to emulate his style.
Uh, David, I think you need to take a step back from this philosophizing and ask yourself the very simple question about whether you are happy with your own life. If the answer is yes, as it generally seems to be, envy should fade into the background. If it is no, envy can become dominant. There are two other issues here. The first is the very-top-of-the-mountain effect. Everyone but the one person there can choose to either look up and see who is above them...as Donald Trump does about net worth...or look down and see how many are below them, which in your case seems to be 99.9% of humanity. You have a great marriage, kids and grandkids, lots of money, and choices only a tiny fraction share. The other is the grass is greener...who knows what goes on in people's lives out of the spotlight...or off social media? They can be anorexic, have hemorrhoids, be prone to fits of depression...or totally envious themselves. Yes, we are tribal, and yes, being competitive is part of that, but in the end, we are either content with who we are or we wish we were someone else. For all that you may be looking up the mountain in your jet-lagged state, I don't think you'd just blindly trade places with anyone.
This essay was a case of a jet lagged induced twinge and I was mocking myself, perhaps too subtly. Although I am intrigued by the evolutionary source of our "maladaptive" emotions.
Haha. Didn't seem self-deprecating, but okay, I'll accept that. By the way, Stephen Baldwin is a total jerk, so who knows what scars his daughter carries? As to the other, evolutionary origins are interesting, but the point of evolution is that a species moves beyond formative stages and, in theory, those traits are mitigated by a more advanced incarnation. But humans do not seem to have been able to do that and, as things stand, there is a real chance that our species, like many that have gone before, will not survive. Lack of adequate adaptation is, after all, the reason species go extinct.
I know, I fear we are poorly matched right now!
I used to argue with Jason Epstein about whether we were a flawed species or a failed species. Jason, ever the doomsayer, said failed. I now fear he might have been right. At his memorial, I said, "Jason's only regret is that after years of predicting the end of world, he won't be around to see it." I hope we're not.
That’s a great line.
Thanks. Jason was the best. Probably the most important person in American publishing in the 20th century. We miss him profoundly.
Stephen Baldwin,one of the Baldwin clan,brother Alec who never checked the gun before he shot it,a lot more to that than we'll ever be told (human sacrifice) and brother Billy married to Chyna Phillips,mad but delightful,who I followed on YouTube for about a year until she kept on banging on about the pay wall for her other channel + I know money is neccesary and it's not wrong to expect to be paid but it was too much.
It's not really envy it's a kind of motivating admiration,emulation,that's the word.
What stood out for me immediately is that each us must possess different meters to measure success. If you measured my life for success based on how much I have, in the way of financial wealth and material possessions I suppose I could be judged as a failure. But if you asked me whether I feel successful, I would reply passionately with a resounding YES, because I've come to love who I am, and am finally doing what I always dreamed of doing. I've never been so filled with joy, which is remarkable to me, given the time we're living in right now. My "success" is relatively recent, this finding joy. But I was/am a success in other ways. I persisted through devastating depression for years, never giving up my goal to recover, and thrive. I never gave up on myself. You, David, from what I've observed, are a very successful man, even if there was no personal wealth. You have love and family (and Sophie) and your wonderful brain. xo
Thanks Nan.
Every so often I feel a twinge of envy, but then I remind myself that (a) I've had a successful career, (b) a successful personal life, and (c) am still handsome and debonair (it must be time for my yearly eye test), all of which I believe from your posts, apply to you. So I say, don't be daft.
That's a high bar, Terry, not to be daft! I'm deft at daftness.
😂
Defo eye test time if this female scarecrow passes for beautiful.
😂
I work to feel gratitude for my own idiosyncratic story. It is thoroughly my own, and while it may not be as happy, glamorous or successful as others, it is all mine and all mine to keep writing it.
I think of the quiet moments my daughter had with my grandfather as a baby. I wish he had more time with her while simultaneously treasuring those moments.
Beautiful thought, Mike.
Bieber by marriage, Baldwin by birth! no issues there. the real issue I see is how the enhancing of women’s beauty is such big business. which means making women feel they are not good enough is big business. It’s beyond messed up. But it’s a free world, in theory.
It's not working for her then.
RE: how the enhancing of women’s beauty is such big business. which means making women feel they are not good enough is big business. " It's a free woreld, meaning, we are free to not just reject those beauty standards for ourselves, but call them out, get others to criticize those standards, and band together to stand up for different values. I appreciate Jax's method of doing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9K5IS-inHs
I love this essay! First that you admired Hailey Beiber without knowing anything about her is a wonderful thing, reminding me that even super famous folks are not known by everyone. I appreciate the exploration into envy and the opportunity to look deeper at it in my own life, but mostly I think we need your reminder that when our defenses are down (jet lag, for example) the supressed parts of us can more easily surface which can allow for an (uncomfortable) opportunity to notice and grow from them.
Thanks Donna. You "got" precisely what I'm was trying to convey, which is very gratifying. My wife didn't know about the Hailey and Justin connection either!
That is high level posh. I bet you dont know the price of a loaf of bread either. Dont sat you do. You'll lose poshness points.
I’d call this synchronicity as I’ve been thinking a lot about envy over the past few days. Envy has always been deeply corrosive to my own happiness, so I’ve personally found viewing it through a moral lens (i.e. as one of the deadly sins) a helpful way to tame it. It is interesting to consider emotions through their evolutionary functions though.
Thanks Gracie. Randolph Nesse's book, Bad feelings For Good Reasons is a great survey of evolution and emotion.
You nailed it, Gracie: "Envy has always been deeply corrosive to my own happiness."
There's enough emotional bandwidth for Happiness; but not when also indulging in downer emotions like Envy. Pretty simple binary, eh?
As Teddy Roosevelt so aptly stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” True, but as you write in your essay, it’s human nature to compare. Envy or jealousy is an ugly emotion but it can lead to motivation to improve. Several years ago, I was a speaker in a women’s performance titled; “That’s what she said” - the topic of my speech was “Birthdays, yoga and the C-word” - that C-word being comparison. We all compare ourselves using others yardsticks. Social media just magnifies that tendency. We know that people show their highlight reels, but on an emotional level it still makes us feel bad about ourselves… you are extremely successful, yet you felt inferior because a 29 year old model/celebrity became a billionaire by selling a cosmetic line. What does that say about how we measure our lives? Yes, jet lag and fatigue puts our defenses on low. I think it’s safe to say, we’ve all been there. Great essay.
Thanks Peggy!
Judging from the look of her I'm not buying any of it
https://clip.cafe/this-is-spinal-tap-1984/were-lucky-yeah/
Great clip. Reminds me of Michael Scoot, presented with the Machiavelli choice between faer and love said, "I want people to fear how much they love me."
I considered that question before I read on and I chose fear. For much the reasons Machiavelli stated. Maybe that's why relationships are not my strong point. Or maybe thats why I've never been romance scammed!
Years ago, the school my kids attended was having a fancy cocktail party/wine tasting event at a fancy house in a fancy gated community. I was set to attend with a neighbor, when she admitted she was intimidated to attend. I said, why? We are not going to be able to compete with that, so let's just go and enjoy the fancy event.
I'm not saying I don't have a twinge of envy now and again, but for me it helps to keep in perspective what you envious of and if it's achievable. A better wardrobe? Yes. A Birkin and a closet full of The Row? Nope.
For every Hailey Bieber there are multiple celebrity cosmetic lines that don't make it (J Lo and Gwen Stefani come to mind). She partnered with the right people and had the right products, and is great at social media promotion. No shade. I wish her success and a happy life.
Thanks for the comment Pam.
You had me cracking up at "sartorial self confidence," David! She may have a billion dollar cosmetics company, but I'll bet Hailey lacks your wit.
Thanks Alicia!
I’m so surprised at this admission given your own financial success.
I work hard to not feel envy. It’s a commandment that’s been ignored these days. I know I’ve mentioned it many times here in the comments.
Most of the time I feel grateful for my health, love in my life and the little things like easy tear Charmin toilet paper. Dyanu.
I should have bright the Charmin with me to Europe! Thanks for the comment Carissa. The existence of the commandment demonstrates that coveting is something we have to resist!
“Justin’s level of sartorial self-confidence” 😂😂😂 what a line!!!!
Thanks Erin.
It's not self confidence to look like a schmuck. It's arrogance. It's exactly the same as the rude rich people in 18thC literature I cited in my post. I've never heard any of his songs anyway so I don't even know if he come up with the goods vocal wise.
I would recommend to pose your "questions" towards those buying rhodeskin products. I know several of them - also concerning various other sinfully expensive products offered in `exclusive´ perfumeries - and all are dissatisfied, not with all of the products all the time but with the very poor price-value-relationship.
I recommended them several of the products I use for years inside(pills, dough etc.) and outside to the skin, which get offered with "objective" descriptions, hidden, hard to find and without a big budget, and for which, and whose value, one has to make a lot of effort to discover. All of them cost a small fraction of those glowfully offered Rhode Trash.
And they DO work.
I have never received a single complaint (not to mention that, OF COURSE !, I look gorgeous and feel alive turning 70 next year...)...!
So, instead of researching "envy", direct your attention towards the dumbness of "consumers". Makes you feel better - if you consume consciously and critically.
I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t actually get envious. I trained myself to be really, really happy for other people and their successes, because - to me - if one person can have it, that means I can have it. Even better if they’re in my social circle. I love when people do well, I love when they achieve their dreams, and I don’t judge if they’re deserving or not because it’s not my business nor is it of relevance. I use their enthusiasm to inspire my own. And if someone has something I want that I will never have, I trust that I’m not supposed to have it because I would either not take care of it properly or it would ruin my soul. It’s a much nicer way of living than giving the stink eye to everyone who does well in their life.
Ditto. Beautifully put. Maybe my lack of envy is helped by living in a rural community in Australia where Life is Good. My lack of social media use probably helps. As a blissfully single older woman, maybe I’ve just been incredibly lucky. Yay to the simple life.
Thanks for the comment Cici. That's why you're a genius at empathy.
If one person can have it,there is potential for me to have it,that's the right idea. Just doesnt work in relation ships.
A 29 year old female supermodel made you feel bad about yourself? Oh brother…
I dunno, having read several of your posts, I’d say your vanity trumps your envy. So, only five more sins to psychoanalyze. As your internet psychologist, may I prescribe Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata. Seems a pretty good template for a fulfilling life. You can pay me in airline miles. I just crossed 3 time zones in the middle seat of the last row against the toilets. That’s character building. But I got to watch David Byrne’s Stop Making Sense (fantastic) and 3/4ths of The Departed. Forgot how many great actors are in that one. Also a great movie.
Jrod, I agree I am more vain than envious. That makes me wonder whether vanity is pro and anti-genetic survival. Probably pro. Thanks for making me think.
I’d say back when our ancestors were busy fighting off sabretooths for survival, vanity wasn’t really part of the equation.
But I dunno. Good looks do take some further than others. How they use that to further advantage is down to their own or others brain power. I bet the good looking caveman warrior attracted more followers,maybe admirers who sought to emulate his style.