I’d say about 98% of this is spot on, and while there’s much I’d like to add, I’ll only point out that:
“Marriage is an institution which..LEGALLY OBLIGATE[S] the man to provide resources and protection, therefore…also providing the woman with the maximum possible security, safety, peace of mind and comfort…….”
……all those things, and also, codifying certain incentives into marriage law, which will become increasingly tempting to her, particularly once she resolutely decides that she married the “wrong” man (who she at one point resolutely decided to spend eternity with) and she’s “had enough” of his [insert solipsistic, cookie cutter accusations], and ESPECIALLY if she’s managed to keep the embers of her self-delusion smoldering juuuuust enough over over the years such that she falsely believes she can trade up for a “real” man, while accurately believing she’ll be awarded cash & prizes for having the “courage” to do so, ie legally separate from the “wrong” man whom she “deserved better” than anyway.
God bless you, Katherine. My Catholic daughter and hubby have four little ones. It is stressful to be sure, but also a blast. Never a dull moment and the love is overwhelming. Grandma and Grandpa get to be rock stars. Studies show married couples, both husbands and wives, are overall happier than their unmarried counterparts, especially if they are also mom and dad. Exceptions should not obscure the big picture.
Katherine, are you making the case that Lyz is particularly well situated to get a divorce because she can afford a house and has a professional life?
Because that is the same argument that similarly situated women are thinking about as they contemplate marriage and having children. Have they found someone who will be an equal partner and do they want to make these commitments? they have choices.
And for women lower in the socioeconomic spectrum, their options become far worse.
My impression from reading her book was that she felt trapped in her marriage and married so young that she really didn't have a sense of what she was getting into. Her big aha moment for her situation was that she needed to get out.
Katherine, you are right - there is a big difference between a divorce for someone in Lyz's situation and someone who, say, has been out of the workforce for 20 years, wouldn't be able to afford housing or most necessities on their own, would have to split or give up most of their assets, would face child custody issues, etc. For some, divorce can be liberating, but for others, it can be life ruining. It all depends on your circumstances. I'm not saying the prospect of a difficult divorce is a good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, but the reality is that people do stay in unhappy marriages solely because of how a divorce would complicate their life. I've seen it many times.
I also think people tend to make generalizations about marriage being good or bad based on their personal experiences with it, and, yes, to your point, how it's being talked about in our culture. But in my opinion, personal experiences with marriage and the way they impact our overall view of it really boil down the relationship we have with our spouse - not the institution of marriage itself. I feel some people believe it's marriage they're angry at and dislike, when really, they're angry at the person they used to be married to or the circumstances of their relationship with them.
I see your point about how divorce can be life-ruining for people who have been out of the workforce. This financial vulnerability makes their relationships ripe for abuse and exploitation. The solution for them can’t be staying married but larger societal fixes like subsidized childcare and higher minimum wages - issues that Lyz has written about. She’s very much aware that divorce alone is not the solution.
Sure, I get what you're saying and what Lyz's intent was, but I believe personal choices can also play into preventing these problems. I was in a horribly abusive relationship myself when I was a young woman that would have no doubt drastically changed my trajectory in life had I not escaped - and it was not an easy relationship to escape from given the circumstances. That experience inspired my novel, A Wonderful Place To Die. So I really do understand how financial vulnerability makes relationships ripe for abuse and exploitation. After that experience, I was careful to ensure my own financial stability and independence by making it a priority to attain a higher paying job before having children or getting married and by making smarter financial decisions so that I wouldn't repeat some of my former circumstances. And when I got married, though I married a lovely man, I made sure to maintain my financial stability and independence. He did as well, because growing up, he watched his mom prioritize unhealthy dating relationships that didn't last over her own goals and financial success, which put her in a financial hole she couldn't get out of for many years and affected his well-being as a child. My husband and I married and remain married by choice, for love - never because of necessity or entrapment - and we've vowed to raise our children to understand the differences between these things in relationships.
I prefer the path of optimism and empowerment over the path of bitterness and blame. It's my feeling that those who choose the latter are usually the ones given a platform. But media thrives on instigating rage and controversy I guess.
I'd like to see more women write lessons on how to empower yourself to prevent vulnerability and how to establish a healthy division of household chores rather than shift all the responsibility for change to government programs and liken marriage as a whole to enslavement for women - which, to me, does an injustice to the immense improvements in status and options women have today, both inside and outside of marriage, thanks to earlier feminists.
Yes to personal choice. And yes to an equitable sharing of responsibilities, which is really what Lyz Lenz is advocating, although some of her rhetoric is harsh and too general about marriage.
Where government comes in is providing support for families with children, including financial support and paid leaves. The US is out off step with all our peer countries with regard to this type of support. Help that should go up the income ladder and not be just for low income families.
David, great point about how help should be available up the ladder, and it's nice to know that's what's at the heart of her writing. More Americans might be supportive of paying into social assistance if it was available to all rather than only low-income families. Thanks again for your thought-provoking post.
I appreciate your comments about how divorce (or even not being forced to be a poor single mother) is different for people of various income, age, race, work history support etc. Secondly, you are spot on about people's feeling about their individual relationships/spouses reflecting poorly on marriage as an institution. But all institutions have power dynamics that are inherent in them.
Marriage in this culture can be both legal and spiritual. In its original conception, equity and an equitable distribution of labor were not part of the process, but instead to maximize the consolidation of resources, wealth, children's labor, etc. Women and children were owned, women needed a husband to open a checking account, buy property, marital rape was still legal in some states in our lifetime, and women (and other marginalized folks via disability) were admitted to state hospitals without question. THAT is why people stayed married in the past, not because marriage itself is a neutral enterprise. It is connected to the state and government recognizing where and to whom your property goes, among other things.
What I wonder if if the people in a relationship like themselves enough to be the best they can be for themselves and by extension their partners....or is one spouse the child care default, doing all the housework, etc. I feel like the mental/emotional load is what people are probably most upset and troubled by.
I enjoyed this piece and wondered what new software (behavior?) was going to be talked about and if there was a factory reset. In other words, the other spouse in this configuration also probably has their own perspectives and experiences.
I am happy my daughter has given my wife and me the gift of being a grandparent. But if my daughter and son-in-law were so stressed with having children that it made them deeply unhappy or caused problems in their relationship, I wouldn't be happy.
Grandchildren are indeed a payoff, but something we have no agency over.
I have 2 sons. One is a bachelor at 41. The other at 44 is a Dad of a 10 yr old. I am so happy to be a grandparent and now it is hard to imagine not having my grandson. But I was pretty convinced it would never happen and I certainly never asked for one! It is a major difficult decision these days with huge housing costs, etc.
At least you were nice about it; my mother has been chomping at the bit for years, despite telling me as a younger woman not to have children unmarried as it is an unwise decision, she suggested it I think because she saw her brother's both having grandchildren and felt left out.
Another one whose parent is DYING for grandkids and has been talking about those theoretical grandkids for years. I highly recommend the Maria Coffey's most recent book (can never remember the title) about being childfree. Even if that isn't your interest I was bowled over by how she wrote about her relationship with her own Mom, who was very very vocal about Maria not giving her grandkids. Their relationship mirrored in some ways my own with my Mom and it was healing to read it.
Spence, I hope you can keep those comments to your journal or find a nice way to say them. My mother expressed she, "did not want to die not having been a grandparent" and well, remains not-a-grandparent more than two years later. She said that to me in a heated moment and I shut down conversations about kids with her for a good while. It's not up to you what your children decide to do. Wishing you the best (and I'm a former Austinite, if that helps!)
David, I’ve also been struck by the “childless by choice” theme expressed by a number of women writers here on Substack. It is an essential question that demands the utmost respect. It has personal resonance as I wonder about the necessity of marriage and children for a “complete” life when it comes to my younger daughter, who is a pediatric surgeon. No doubt she is still figuring this out herself. I don’t care about her choices; all I care about is her happiness.
I am happy my daughter has given my wife and me the gift of being a grandparent. But if my daughter and son-in-law were so stressed with having children that it made them deeply unhappy or caused problems in their relationship, I wouldn't be happy.
But you encapsulated what I believe is the right attitude to the choices of others: respect.
Good for you for making yourself be open minded about your views on life. It's not an easy position, but one that is so necessary. For all of us. Whenever the topic comes up, I tell people my husband and I are "childfree." The word alone is generally enough, and I don't have to explain it further. We've/I've never regretted the decision. I realized many years ago that women cannot have it all, and I was not interested in turning myself inside out in an effort to do so. I'm very content with my decision, especially now with the state of the world. But that's a post for another day! 🙂
David, The courage to change as it appears in your writing is mirrored by Carly Simon’s powerful song contrasting and arresting, in Grand Central Station, people who normally are rushing in familiar daily patterns. Thank you.
I'm glad you watched that performance, which I think was remarkable. And I didn't think about the contrast of the setting and the song until you just now brought it up.
Having now worked on coming to understand my family of origin, I think the biggest challenge for me as an individual is to allow myself to live in my own experience and to let you (or any "other") live in theirs. The subjective experience is just that, subjective, individual, personal. No two things are the same for two people and can never be. But heck, I would feel a lot more "comfortable" if everyone lives like me, thought like me, felt like me. There is the rub. So the thing I walk away with is there are infinite ways to live life, no ONE way. The other problem that arises is that our collective trauma of being human is there are many of us that can't see how allowing another to have and live their own experiences without trying to convince or change the other is a valuable way to be. So we run around telling others how to be, live so, feel. Talk about conflict! And it's a moment by moment process that works and doesn't work. The ways in which we think our way is best is inherent in human nature, the tribe mentality. It's probably wired into our biology for survival. And we live in a world that is less like "true survival" (food, water, elements) and more like "current survival" (cell phone access, heat/AC, Uber eats). And it's all perspective!
You bring up a great point that it is a basic human urge to want our own decisions to be confirmed by others deciding the same way. It probably was survival wiring, the necessity for a tribe to think alike in order to survive.
Yeah, we can't simplify things as well to mere tribal necessities as the thing itself wasn't valued at all, it's postmodern pressumption that anything old is bad or worse then the future. I don't see a bright future for this neurotic postmodern dogma.
Congratulations on increased self awareness David!!!
It took me probably 25 years into marriage to get a more complete appreciation of my wife. Going on 47 years. Certainly on my domestic responsibilities. I was intense in business and traveled a lot being in the commercial world.
But I see the viewpoint of women. I did see that early, sadly. Mom had to forgo a scholarship from small town WV to U of Chicago. Got me instead. And 4 more kids. Dad was dutiful. Wanted to have been a surgical nurse likenhe was in WW2 but ended up doing shift work at a chemical plant. Mom grew tired of living the unexciting life. So out with Dad.
My wife, met her in 1977 to fix her car, did not want children. I believed that was a choice for her alone. I totally didn't marry my wife to rule or over a family in 1977. I loved the brilliant creative, compassionate force she is.
Today, I see the wonderful rise of women. It's fabulous!
It's Wonder Woman!, Beyonce! Taylor Swift! And in the political sphere as well.
Vast swatches of the young male marriage age cohort is having a moment. Bad moments. So many have fallen behind the necessary evolutionary requirements of today.
My very devout Christian niece is amazing. Late thirties. BA MA Wheaton college. A very successful realtor. In Dallas. She may find a suitable husband But she also sees the reality of not finding a brilliant and confident man.
Professionally I see a growing number of very happy women with women partners. It's wonderful.
I think it is terrific as well that women are able to have many more choices of lifestyle.
It does leave the question of what does the Western world look like with after a long period of time when the fertility rate is below replacement? I have no idea what the effects might be on a societal level or how it would affect attitudes about immigration and so many other things. I think it's impossible to say, bit it's interesting to speculate about.
David, your articles never fail to ignite a spark of excitement in me when they land in my inbox. They delve into topics that make me ponder deeply, and for that, I am truly grateful.
When I joined Substack last fall, I followed Simon Haisell from Instagram, seeking a platform to write and discuss books, my passion. Little did I know, the real treasure was the multitude of brilliant minds, including yours, that I would encounter, expanding my horizons in ways I never anticipated.
It is vital to hear viewpoints that differ from our own. As you mentioned, at first, we might take it personally and become defensive, but then we have to wonder, why is that? Does my experience negate theirs or vice versa? Of course not. And it is perfectly acceptable for us to have different views on a topic and still be able to have a civil discourse about it.
The other wonderful thing is the opportunity for personal growth when we allow ourselves to really hear another's story. It is a chance for us to look in the mirror and evaluate long-held beliefs to discern if our ideas hold up under scrutiny.
This isn't to say that we should allow ourselves to be swayed by any random opinion just because someone writes it down. However, it is an environment conducive to discourse, the exchange of ideas, and the opportunity to grow in our ideas and relationships if we are open to hearing one another.
A study that got a lot of press a decade or so ago found that men were happier in marriages, and women were happier in *good* marriages (but less happy than single women if they considered their marriage a bad one). The good/bad choice was, I think, subjective and left to the respondent's judgment. I no longer remember who did the study. It would be interesting if the GSS allowed for those distinctions.
I think you have to stop and look at the numbers around unmarried women with children to see what this means. Surveys of people who have marriage and children but no questions about means would give the reader the impression that these are the only factors that are relevant to the claim to happiness. Women who are married with children and of sufficient means to have houses and nannies and cleaning people would be more likely to say they were happy as children or housekeeping wouldn't keep them from their druthers on a constant basis. Being a single parent is an endless slog. Being married but having to take the brunt of childrearing and housekeeping and also work to keep the wheels on and the housing and college funds and retirement goals in sight is another matter as well. Women who don't have a partner and making 60 cents on the dollar may not have the choice to have children even if they want to. No econ data, no dice in my book for real conclusions.
Anne, thanks for the comment. It would make sense that assistance with the care of children would have an effect on whether parents, married or single, were happy. Whether it's involved grandparents or other relatives nearby or being able to afford childcare. These factors are likely really important to quality of life.
The referenced University of Chicago study shows that while other factors (e.g., income and religiosity) matter too, the happiness dividend survives controls for other differences.
I’d say about 98% of this is spot on, and while there’s much I’d like to add, I’ll only point out that:
“Marriage is an institution which..LEGALLY OBLIGATE[S] the man to provide resources and protection, therefore…also providing the woman with the maximum possible security, safety, peace of mind and comfort…….”
……all those things, and also, codifying certain incentives into marriage law, which will become increasingly tempting to her, particularly once she resolutely decides that she married the “wrong” man (who she at one point resolutely decided to spend eternity with) and she’s “had enough” of his [insert solipsistic, cookie cutter accusations], and ESPECIALLY if she’s managed to keep the embers of her self-delusion smoldering juuuuust enough over over the years such that she falsely believes she can trade up for a “real” man, while accurately believing she’ll be awarded cash & prizes for having the “courage” to do so, ie legally separate from the “wrong” man whom she “deserved better” than anyway.
Thanks Alexandra. It's hard to think of a more personal question. Or more judgmental with the "When" in front of it.
Isabel,
Wishing you a rapid exorcism of the norovirus from your house.
Now I get to look forward to your post tomorrow. I'm not surprised about our both using a quote from Laura's essay as we have similar (good) tastes!
God bless you, Katherine. My Catholic daughter and hubby have four little ones. It is stressful to be sure, but also a blast. Never a dull moment and the love is overwhelming. Grandma and Grandpa get to be rock stars. Studies show married couples, both husbands and wives, are overall happier than their unmarried counterparts, especially if they are also mom and dad. Exceptions should not obscure the big picture.
Katherine, are you making the case that Lyz is particularly well situated to get a divorce because she can afford a house and has a professional life?
Because that is the same argument that similarly situated women are thinking about as they contemplate marriage and having children. Have they found someone who will be an equal partner and do they want to make these commitments? they have choices.
And for women lower in the socioeconomic spectrum, their options become far worse.
My impression from reading her book was that she felt trapped in her marriage and married so young that she really didn't have a sense of what she was getting into. Her big aha moment for her situation was that she needed to get out.
David, I think you may mean their *options become far worse.
That is what I meant, and I will change it. thanks Amy!
Katherine, you are right - there is a big difference between a divorce for someone in Lyz's situation and someone who, say, has been out of the workforce for 20 years, wouldn't be able to afford housing or most necessities on their own, would have to split or give up most of their assets, would face child custody issues, etc. For some, divorce can be liberating, but for others, it can be life ruining. It all depends on your circumstances. I'm not saying the prospect of a difficult divorce is a good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, but the reality is that people do stay in unhappy marriages solely because of how a divorce would complicate their life. I've seen it many times.
I also think people tend to make generalizations about marriage being good or bad based on their personal experiences with it, and, yes, to your point, how it's being talked about in our culture. But in my opinion, personal experiences with marriage and the way they impact our overall view of it really boil down the relationship we have with our spouse - not the institution of marriage itself. I feel some people believe it's marriage they're angry at and dislike, when really, they're angry at the person they used to be married to or the circumstances of their relationship with them.
Good dialogue and perspective. Thanks MJ!
I see your point about how divorce can be life-ruining for people who have been out of the workforce. This financial vulnerability makes their relationships ripe for abuse and exploitation. The solution for them can’t be staying married but larger societal fixes like subsidized childcare and higher minimum wages - issues that Lyz has written about. She’s very much aware that divorce alone is not the solution.
Sure, I get what you're saying and what Lyz's intent was, but I believe personal choices can also play into preventing these problems. I was in a horribly abusive relationship myself when I was a young woman that would have no doubt drastically changed my trajectory in life had I not escaped - and it was not an easy relationship to escape from given the circumstances. That experience inspired my novel, A Wonderful Place To Die. So I really do understand how financial vulnerability makes relationships ripe for abuse and exploitation. After that experience, I was careful to ensure my own financial stability and independence by making it a priority to attain a higher paying job before having children or getting married and by making smarter financial decisions so that I wouldn't repeat some of my former circumstances. And when I got married, though I married a lovely man, I made sure to maintain my financial stability and independence. He did as well, because growing up, he watched his mom prioritize unhealthy dating relationships that didn't last over her own goals and financial success, which put her in a financial hole she couldn't get out of for many years and affected his well-being as a child. My husband and I married and remain married by choice, for love - never because of necessity or entrapment - and we've vowed to raise our children to understand the differences between these things in relationships.
I prefer the path of optimism and empowerment over the path of bitterness and blame. It's my feeling that those who choose the latter are usually the ones given a platform. But media thrives on instigating rage and controversy I guess.
I'd like to see more women write lessons on how to empower yourself to prevent vulnerability and how to establish a healthy division of household chores rather than shift all the responsibility for change to government programs and liken marriage as a whole to enslavement for women - which, to me, does an injustice to the immense improvements in status and options women have today, both inside and outside of marriage, thanks to earlier feminists.
Yes to personal choice. And yes to an equitable sharing of responsibilities, which is really what Lyz Lenz is advocating, although some of her rhetoric is harsh and too general about marriage.
Where government comes in is providing support for families with children, including financial support and paid leaves. The US is out off step with all our peer countries with regard to this type of support. Help that should go up the income ladder and not be just for low income families.
David, great point about how help should be available up the ladder, and it's nice to know that's what's at the heart of her writing. More Americans might be supportive of paying into social assistance if it was available to all rather than only low-income families. Thanks again for your thought-provoking post.
I appreciate your comments about how divorce (or even not being forced to be a poor single mother) is different for people of various income, age, race, work history support etc. Secondly, you are spot on about people's feeling about their individual relationships/spouses reflecting poorly on marriage as an institution. But all institutions have power dynamics that are inherent in them.
Marriage in this culture can be both legal and spiritual. In its original conception, equity and an equitable distribution of labor were not part of the process, but instead to maximize the consolidation of resources, wealth, children's labor, etc. Women and children were owned, women needed a husband to open a checking account, buy property, marital rape was still legal in some states in our lifetime, and women (and other marginalized folks via disability) were admitted to state hospitals without question. THAT is why people stayed married in the past, not because marriage itself is a neutral enterprise. It is connected to the state and government recognizing where and to whom your property goes, among other things.
What I wonder if if the people in a relationship like themselves enough to be the best they can be for themselves and by extension their partners....or is one spouse the child care default, doing all the housework, etc. I feel like the mental/emotional load is what people are probably most upset and troubled by.
I enjoyed this piece and wondered what new software (behavior?) was going to be talked about and if there was a factory reset. In other words, the other spouse in this configuration also probably has their own perspectives and experiences.
I Wrote this to another commenter:
I am happy my daughter has given my wife and me the gift of being a grandparent. But if my daughter and son-in-law were so stressed with having children that it made them deeply unhappy or caused problems in their relationship, I wouldn't be happy.
Grandchildren are indeed a payoff, but something we have no agency over.
I have 2 sons. One is a bachelor at 41. The other at 44 is a Dad of a 10 yr old. I am so happy to be a grandparent and now it is hard to imagine not having my grandson. But I was pretty convinced it would never happen and I certainly never asked for one! It is a major difficult decision these days with huge housing costs, etc.
At least you were nice about it; my mother has been chomping at the bit for years, despite telling me as a younger woman not to have children unmarried as it is an unwise decision, she suggested it I think because she saw her brother's both having grandchildren and felt left out.
Another one whose parent is DYING for grandkids and has been talking about those theoretical grandkids for years. I highly recommend the Maria Coffey's most recent book (can never remember the title) about being childfree. Even if that isn't your interest I was bowled over by how she wrote about her relationship with her own Mom, who was very very vocal about Maria not giving her grandkids. Their relationship mirrored in some ways my own with my Mom and it was healing to read it.
Spence, I hope you can keep those comments to your journal or find a nice way to say them. My mother expressed she, "did not want to die not having been a grandparent" and well, remains not-a-grandparent more than two years later. She said that to me in a heated moment and I shut down conversations about kids with her for a good while. It's not up to you what your children decide to do. Wishing you the best (and I'm a former Austinite, if that helps!)
Good on ya!
That line about passing the salad made me laugh out loud. Is there a cartoon opportunity in the scene that Laura writes so vividly?
Thanks as always for the comment Jason.
Such an interesting piece! And I cannot recommend Lyz’s book enough. The quiet cruelty she and other women experienced filled me with such rage.
Just a joke—So, Trump got a bond from a used car salesman and two days later the wheels fell off.
Who saw that coming?
David, I’ve also been struck by the “childless by choice” theme expressed by a number of women writers here on Substack. It is an essential question that demands the utmost respect. It has personal resonance as I wonder about the necessity of marriage and children for a “complete” life when it comes to my younger daughter, who is a pediatric surgeon. No doubt she is still figuring this out herself. I don’t care about her choices; all I care about is her happiness.
I am happy my daughter has given my wife and me the gift of being a grandparent. But if my daughter and son-in-law were so stressed with having children that it made them deeply unhappy or caused problems in their relationship, I wouldn't be happy.
But you encapsulated what I believe is the right attitude to the choices of others: respect.
Good for you for making yourself be open minded about your views on life. It's not an easy position, but one that is so necessary. For all of us. Whenever the topic comes up, I tell people my husband and I are "childfree." The word alone is generally enough, and I don't have to explain it further. We've/I've never regretted the decision. I realized many years ago that women cannot have it all, and I was not interested in turning myself inside out in an effort to do so. I'm very content with my decision, especially now with the state of the world. But that's a post for another day! 🙂
David, The courage to change as it appears in your writing is mirrored by Carly Simon’s powerful song contrasting and arresting, in Grand Central Station, people who normally are rushing in familiar daily patterns. Thank you.
I'm glad you watched that performance, which I think was remarkable. And I didn't think about the contrast of the setting and the song until you just now brought it up.
Having now worked on coming to understand my family of origin, I think the biggest challenge for me as an individual is to allow myself to live in my own experience and to let you (or any "other") live in theirs. The subjective experience is just that, subjective, individual, personal. No two things are the same for two people and can never be. But heck, I would feel a lot more "comfortable" if everyone lives like me, thought like me, felt like me. There is the rub. So the thing I walk away with is there are infinite ways to live life, no ONE way. The other problem that arises is that our collective trauma of being human is there are many of us that can't see how allowing another to have and live their own experiences without trying to convince or change the other is a valuable way to be. So we run around telling others how to be, live so, feel. Talk about conflict! And it's a moment by moment process that works and doesn't work. The ways in which we think our way is best is inherent in human nature, the tribe mentality. It's probably wired into our biology for survival. And we live in a world that is less like "true survival" (food, water, elements) and more like "current survival" (cell phone access, heat/AC, Uber eats). And it's all perspective!
You bring up a great point that it is a basic human urge to want our own decisions to be confirmed by others deciding the same way. It probably was survival wiring, the necessity for a tribe to think alike in order to survive.
Yeah, we can't simplify things as well to mere tribal necessities as the thing itself wasn't valued at all, it's postmodern pressumption that anything old is bad or worse then the future. I don't see a bright future for this neurotic postmodern dogma.
Congratulations on increased self awareness David!!!
It took me probably 25 years into marriage to get a more complete appreciation of my wife. Going on 47 years. Certainly on my domestic responsibilities. I was intense in business and traveled a lot being in the commercial world.
But I see the viewpoint of women. I did see that early, sadly. Mom had to forgo a scholarship from small town WV to U of Chicago. Got me instead. And 4 more kids. Dad was dutiful. Wanted to have been a surgical nurse likenhe was in WW2 but ended up doing shift work at a chemical plant. Mom grew tired of living the unexciting life. So out with Dad.
My wife, met her in 1977 to fix her car, did not want children. I believed that was a choice for her alone. I totally didn't marry my wife to rule or over a family in 1977. I loved the brilliant creative, compassionate force she is.
Today, I see the wonderful rise of women. It's fabulous!
It's Wonder Woman!, Beyonce! Taylor Swift! And in the political sphere as well.
Vast swatches of the young male marriage age cohort is having a moment. Bad moments. So many have fallen behind the necessary evolutionary requirements of today.
My very devout Christian niece is amazing. Late thirties. BA MA Wheaton college. A very successful realtor. In Dallas. She may find a suitable husband But she also sees the reality of not finding a brilliant and confident man.
Professionally I see a growing number of very happy women with women partners. It's wonderful.
I think it is terrific as well that women are able to have many more choices of lifestyle.
It does leave the question of what does the Western world look like with after a long period of time when the fertility rate is below replacement? I have no idea what the effects might be on a societal level or how it would affect attitudes about immigration and so many other things. I think it's impossible to say, bit it's interesting to speculate about.
The data is pretty strong now, that like all of our American history, Immigrants will rescue the now and future.
They added tremendously to our economy recovery.
David, your articles never fail to ignite a spark of excitement in me when they land in my inbox. They delve into topics that make me ponder deeply, and for that, I am truly grateful.
When I joined Substack last fall, I followed Simon Haisell from Instagram, seeking a platform to write and discuss books, my passion. Little did I know, the real treasure was the multitude of brilliant minds, including yours, that I would encounter, expanding my horizons in ways I never anticipated.
It is vital to hear viewpoints that differ from our own. As you mentioned, at first, we might take it personally and become defensive, but then we have to wonder, why is that? Does my experience negate theirs or vice versa? Of course not. And it is perfectly acceptable for us to have different views on a topic and still be able to have a civil discourse about it.
The other wonderful thing is the opportunity for personal growth when we allow ourselves to really hear another's story. It is a chance for us to look in the mirror and evaluate long-held beliefs to discern if our ideas hold up under scrutiny.
This isn't to say that we should allow ourselves to be swayed by any random opinion just because someone writes it down. However, it is an environment conducive to discourse, the exchange of ideas, and the opportunity to grow in our ideas and relationships if we are open to hearing one another.
Thanks as always.
Thanks for the generous comment Matthew.
And yet, the combination of marriage and parenthood is linked to the biggest happiness dividends for women.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-is-happiest-married-mothers-and-fathers-per-the-latest-general-social-survey#:~:text=The%20GSS%20shows%20that%20a,22%25%20of%20unmarried%20childless%20women.
Thx for posting these links. I wonder if the unhappiness is mainly in big cities.
A study that got a lot of press a decade or so ago found that men were happier in marriages, and women were happier in *good* marriages (but less happy than single women if they considered their marriage a bad one). The good/bad choice was, I think, subjective and left to the respondent's judgment. I no longer remember who did the study. It would be interesting if the GSS allowed for those distinctions.
I think you have to stop and look at the numbers around unmarried women with children to see what this means. Surveys of people who have marriage and children but no questions about means would give the reader the impression that these are the only factors that are relevant to the claim to happiness. Women who are married with children and of sufficient means to have houses and nannies and cleaning people would be more likely to say they were happy as children or housekeeping wouldn't keep them from their druthers on a constant basis. Being a single parent is an endless slog. Being married but having to take the brunt of childrearing and housekeeping and also work to keep the wheels on and the housing and college funds and retirement goals in sight is another matter as well. Women who don't have a partner and making 60 cents on the dollar may not have the choice to have children even if they want to. No econ data, no dice in my book for real conclusions.
Anne, thanks for the comment. It would make sense that assistance with the care of children would have an effect on whether parents, married or single, were happy. Whether it's involved grandparents or other relatives nearby or being able to afford childcare. These factors are likely really important to quality of life.
The referenced University of Chicago study shows that while other factors (e.g., income and religiosity) matter too, the happiness dividend survives controls for other differences.
Courageous and intelligent. Thank you.